Woman to Woman: Infertility and recurrent loss

Today's topic is going mean so much more to some of us than others. Infertility is one of those issues that you may not know how to respond to if you don't have any intimate experience with it. When your body works and another woman's does not, you may feel guilty around them, or you may wonder how it is that God's greatest creation - that which was intended for multiplying and replenishing His earth - can have so many flaws that poise such great mysteries. You may not know how to comfort them. You may have a desire to find some common ground with them, only to realize that one or two miscarriages pale in comparison to their muliple losses. There are women who spend most of their adult lives trying to conceive just one child while others only need to glance in their husband's direction to get pregnant. I know just from watching others deal with it, that infertility is one of the most most heart wrenching challenges for women. And I have a few MOFS, as well as a cousin, who could go into much more detail about that then I. I've personally invited some of them to participate in today's topics, and as they add their links below, I'll be pointing them out... because they will say what I cannot. They know what I do not and never will know. It is important for us to hear the personal thoughts of the women who've got real experience with this. It may be the difference between us helping or hurting someone who'll need us to lean on and to understand, at least to an exent, the heartache they feel.

I went through a few of MOFs blogs and found (with their permission):
Olivia: http://addingonemore.blogspot.com/2007/03/sorry-so-boring.html
Jennifer: http://lordsofthemanor.blogspot.com/2007/09/supporting-grieving-process.html
Rachelle: http://teachergoingmad.blogspot.com/2006/12/happy-blogoversary-to-me.html

I'dalso like to point out below the links to Darci, Dawnyel and Alaina who participated in Woman toWoman because I begged them to share their experiences :)... and to everyone, thanks for putting yourself out there. I know it's not easy.

Be sure and visit my co-host, Morning Glory, for more posts on this topic.

So here's the thing...

My life is chaos right now... organized chaos, but chaos nonetheless. Between selling our house, building a new one, and some family issues that really need my attention, I've been strapped for time and void of blogging fodder. I apologize for the memes I've dodged, the awards I've not passed on and the project I backed out of (sorry Karen). I am thankful that I am still thought of because I know this break will not be permanent. I may even post here and there. But the next few months will be tough... so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers if you have them to spare. :) In the meantime I hope you'll all still keep in touch. You can email me anytime!

Our "last" Woman to Woman (until further notice) will take place this Tuesday, November 11. The topic is infertility but I would also like to invite any bloggers who've dealt with recurrent loss to join us as well. And if you want to participate and do not have your own experiences to share, but have lended support to others who've struggled with this, we'd love to hear from you, too.

I'm sad that Woman to Woman has to be put on hold. When I began blogging I quickly discovered how much I love to write about womanhood and all it entails - from serious issues to those of a more lighthearted nature. Woman to Woman has allowed me to see how others embrace their womanhood. I've learned so much from this project (as has Morning Glory) and I mean it when I say that it will return! As long as none of you go anywhere, I'll keep you posted as to when. :)

See you Tuesday!

Woman to Woman: Dealing With Grief

For Woman to Woman this week, I am going to share a post about my mother's death that I wrote a couple years ago. It details my feelings towards her and my childhood and her passing so well.

As for grieving, to say that it happens in stages is putting it mildly. Almost 4 years after my mother's death, I still feel the lows. On one hand, I am past it and have figured out how to live in this world without her in it, and on the other I can't let myself get over it. Admittedly there are days when I will myself to think about her and miss her. It is hard to describe - it's almost as if that keeps my heart tender rather than closed off or hardened.

This picture was taken about 3 1/2 years ago. It is my mother holding my second child when he was just a few months old. It is the most recent picture I have of her and, sadly, the last time she was ever in my home.

My mother passed away 2 years ago today. She was found by my 14 year old brother on the floor of her bedroom... with no clothes on, and in the middle of prescription medication and sleeping pills. It had been a few months since my parents' divorce. My father had been newly engaged to another woman for just 4 days. 1 week previous she'd sent all her children an incoherent "last letter" of sorts, which was our only real clue to the awful state she was in.

I still remember the phone call. "Leilani, this is Dad. Where are you? Sit down... I have some very sad news." And I knew. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. Because my mother had been in fast, downward, uncontrollable spiral since I'd last seen her 8 months previous. Still, I cried "What? What?!"

She died a lone woman. Her unknown disease had created a rift between she and every relative in her life by her last day. Our only guess at her ultimate demise is depression and a personality disorder brought on by an abusive childhood. She never got therapy or treatment for these, it is only the opinion of my own therapist. Her cause of death was determined to be an "accidental suicide". Her liver failed due to an excessive intake of prescription drug medication that was prescribed to her for migraines. She'd been refilling her prescription at several different pharmacies, and had been seeing several different doctors for the same diagnosis.

There are oftimes in life when we seek answers to questions, but do not get them right away, or in the way which we expect. For me, these questions were, "Why was I born into this family?" "Why is my mother never happy?" "Why if she loves me does she hurt me?" "Why if Heavenly Father loves me, does he not rescue me?" "Will I survive?" "Will we survive?" "Will I heal?" "Will I ever be able to forgive my mother and move on?" I did not receive an ounce of clairty as to why my mother was the way she was my entire life... only brief moments of peace and reprieve from the darkness that hung over our home. I knew my mother's childhood had been bad, but she never shared the details. I was angry because I didn't once feel like she was held responsible for the abuse she inflicted on others. I prayed and fasted and studied my scriptures and prayed some more. As an adult, I finally realized I just wasn't going to get an answer, and that my only method for survival would be to sever ties with her. And then she died her slow death, unwinding into a helpless child until she just gave up. And I still didn't get my answer, but I got closure and peace, which is just as good. Though she was not in the right state of mind when she passed away, nor had been for quite some time, her life was complete and there was some eternal purpose in the timing and circumstance of her death.

After planning her funeral, after picking out the best coffin (a purple one:)), after choosing a headstone, after writing her eulogy and lovingly dressing her in white for her burial, I knew that she was in good hands... that she was finally in a non-threatening environment where she could trust and heal properly. Would Heavenly Father have preferred that she'd been able to do that on her own on this earth life? Maybe. But I sincerely feel that her death was an act of mercy, that she had come as far as she could on is earth with what she'd been given, that along the way able people had failed her and therefore Him, and he couldn't let it go on.

I loved my mother dearly. Despite her total lack of understanding for the purpose of motherood, she served it and I loved her. I loved her and felt badly for her. She tried so deperately to give me the opportunities to pursue my dreams and have an enriching life. She wanted the opposite for me that she'd had. For her intentions, I am grateful. She sacrificed a lot for me. Although her expectations were unrealistic much of the time, and we her children sometimes paid dearly for it, I know that I would not be half the person I am today without the experiences she provided me with. And I very much like who I am and the things that I am able to do. I believe that despite her mistakes, she accomplished the most amazing feats of motherhood ... All her children are strong in their convictions. They are disciplined and accomplished and stable. She is remembered with only the best memories by all who knew her. There was a tremendous outpouring of love at her funeral service by over 150 guests. It was the most moving gathering I had ever experienced and was testimony to me that I should find the good part in my life with her and not look back.

I know with a burning that I will see her again, and that I will be in awe of her. All the best things about her will be magnified and she will have shed her insecurities and been healed of the wounds from her childhood. I don't know how I know that, I just do. It's an overwhelming feeling! I have forgiven her. While I have a hard time putting it into words, I now at least understand why things happened the way they did growing up in my house and no longer question it. All those awful years in that stifled home - the screaming, the fits of rage, the beatings, the humiliation and degradation, and the confusion were the mysterious ways in which our Heavenly Father works on us... With a combination of testing us and weakening us and making us strong again and again, we are made unmovable.

I'm anxious to read what you all have to say on this subject. I'll be by later today! Don't forget to visit my co-host Morning Glory!

Woman to Woman

Woman to Woman takes place again on Tuesday, Oct. 23. The topic is "Dealing With Grief"

Grief is a difficult process. And almost everyone has experienced it in some form, be it losing a spouse, a parent, a relative, a pet, a child or through miscarriage. Please share with our readers what you have found to be effective in helping you come to terms with the death of a loved one. How has it changed your life? How have you been able to move forward?

Morning Glory and I will be around to read everyone's contribution. I know I have not been around much but I am 100% committed to Woman to Woman, so please join in!

Woman to Woman Book Review

The Girls by Lori Lansens is a real page turner. Written so realistically that you forget that it is fiction, conjoined twins Rose and Ruby take turns sharing the intricacies of their life together as the oldest living craniopagus twins, striving to reach their 30th birthday.

Rose carries the main voice. She begins the "autobiography" almost exclusively, sharing the detailed story of their birth and their childhood with the generous Aunt Lovey and Uncle Stash. As her writings unfold, she invites Ruby to share her thoughts and feelings. Neither of them know what the other has written, although they do share certain instincts. But their differing perspectives provide interesting insight into the challenges they face together.

The girls are very different from one another. Rose is extremely intelligent. Her interests include reading, writing, and all things intellectual. Her sister Ruby is kind of a carefree sprit - likes to sing, and quite frankly is much more interested in celebrity gossip than the news. But they own themselves with a confidence that is inspiring.

Rose walks for the two of them. Because of Ruby's deformities and the fact that she is much smaller, Rose has to support her on her hip. Rose is very conscious of the fact that while she may have the working body, she is not as pleasant to look at as Ruby, known as the "pretty" one.

It is amazing to me how matter of fact the girls are about their lives. There is so much give and take between the two of them and it is not always fairly balanced. And although they work together like a well oiled machine, they are two very distinct women. This is obvious in their interpretation of certain events in their life. But the two viewpoints are necessary in capturing the whole picture of their experience, since one sees things plainly while the other is analytical.

Every turn of this story invokes a different emotion. It satisfies curiosity, it is humorous and it is heartfelt. There is mystery, there is love and there is tragedy. You've got to read it!

Visit more Woman to Woman participants who have linked up over at Morning Glory's blog!

Just a reminder...

... that Woman to Woman is on Tuesday, Oct. 9! We're reviewing and sharing our thoughts on books; any fiction or mystery that you've read in the last 3 months is fine! Since the Woman to Woman particpants have always had incredible thoughts to share, it should be fun, so don't miss it!!!

Woman to Woman: Facing your parenting fears

It's interesting how intimidating parenthood can be. I mean, how much trouble can these little people really cause?

I remember being afraid to leave the hospital with my first child. Breastfeeding alone had me completely flustered, and I'd grip my husband's hand every time this teeny little mouth would latch on to me. And then again when my mother left, after taking care of me, the baby, my husband and my apartment for 10 days, I was afraid. How on earth was I going to do this?

As the years have passed and more children have joined our family, I wish I could say that all the fear has left me. It hasn't. Just tonight as I laid the last child down to sleep, I thought "Phew, I made it through another day." Today, I forgot to send my son's homework back to school with him. Also, an apple for his class project. I prayed all day long that my 14 month old would take a decent nap (she's teething) because I didn't feel confident that I could get through the second half of the day without some kind of a breather. I find my daughter's math homework (she's in 3rd grade) perplexing, I hope I'll remember to wash the jam off their faces before they leave the house, and if I've not run so late that they didn't get a sack lunch - I am relieved.


They say dogs can smell fear. Well, I think children can, too.


From the time they are 20 inches long they can tell what you're thinking and feeling. I think I've gotten the baby thing down. (That's why I keep having them. :) I feel very, VERY competent calming a fussy baby. I vividly remember watching my mother-in-law with one of my colicky infants. She took him into her arms with such surety. And rather than get flustered by his cries, nervously rambling or throwing gas drops at him (not that I ever did that, lol) she just gently swayed him and softly sang him a song. At first I thought "Come on, he can't even hear you!" But it totally worked. He could sense that she not only knew what she was doing, but she KNEW she knew what she was doing. And that was a lesson to me. (Do not let the 20 inch little people intimidate you! Lol.)

Now, the 32 inch and up little people still get the best of me sometimes. Especially out in public. But I am getting better at that, too. However, anywhere we go there is a potential risk that I will lose control of them. They're that unpredictable. (Aren't they all? And have you noticed how the world transforms into this mecca of testing grounds once you've got a kid? I never got nervous eating out before I had a 2 year old that could not master a chair with no restraining devices.)

The first time I took all 4 kids out by myself (and the Sasha was barely 2 months old) I was sweating BULLETS I tell you. Oh my gosh the sweet feeling of relief that washed over me as I exited the check-out line with 4 smiling faces was like none other. And a few women that I passed on my way out of the store said ego boosting things, like "You're amazing." and "You're so brave!" And I thought "Here, here! I am not afraid!"

Of course there are also the fears I have yet to encounter, but know I will have to face. Bigger fears like sending my children off to junior high where the other kids will be pressuring them to grow up too fast, shut themselves off from me, and make poor decisions. Fears like letting them drive, and date and move away for college. And I know they will be watching me as they go through these things, to see how confident I am in them, and therefore myself as a parent.

What are your apprehensions? Getting through church without a meltdown perhaps? Or discussing serious issues with your teenagers? Life can be pretty tricky when you're raising a family. So please share your thoughts - funny stories, clever anecdotes, and pearls of wisdom are all welcome. If you'll link up below and leave a comment, my co-host Morning Glory and I will stop by and read what you have to say!

Facing your parenting fears

Woman to Woman will continue on September 25 with a Tips and Tricks edition. The topic is "Facing your parenting fears". We all have them, apprehensions that is. It may be the idea of going out to a restaurant as a family, or getting through church, or just a simple trip to the grocery store that gives you the sweats. Everything is tricky when you have children in tow. So please share your thoughts with us - funny stories, clever anecdotes, even your pearls of wisdom - on Tuesday, September 25th. My co-host Morning Glory and I will be anxious to hear what you all have to say!!!

Remember to submit your ideas for future topics. We'll need them come the New Year!

Woman to Woman

Today for Woman to Woman we're taking a few moments out of our busy days to reflect on our blessings and the things which we are grateful for. I think that for many people, 9/11 was an eye opener. It's helped us to realize that there are a great many things that we take for granted. Please join us today for some introspection and share with us 11 things that you are thankful for. It feels so good to give reverence to such a pivotal day in our history by recognizing the good things of the world.

1. my family - I couldn't bear to lose them. I'm not sure where that kind of strength comes from, the kind that keeps you going despite losing your soulmate, or a child, in a tragic situation. That's got to be one of the most defining moments in your life.

2. freedom - I am free to live the life that I want to, to believe what I feel is right, to govern myself and my children as I see fit, and to voice my opinions and concerns.

3. faith - Faith is the most powerful thing which you cannot see or touch. It is the only tool with which you can endure.

4. security - I feel safe. In this unpredictable world it is nice to feel comfort and stability.

5. health - I'm glad that I am able to care for my family without any ailments. I'm glad I have a strong and capable body.

6. laughter - Nothing cures better than a good, long laugh. It's healing powers and the relief it brings are unparalleled.

7. motherhood - I am certain that I would not become the woman I want to be any other way.

8. womanhood - There is so much joy and possibility in being a woman.

9. love - How can one go through life without loving or feeling loved?

10. music - I feel so lucky to have more than one means to express and share myself.

11. time - Thank goodness we have a lifetime to fulfill our earthly missions. I know it often feels like there is such little time, but not if you make the most of it.

If you've decided to join us today, please stop by my co-host Morning Glory's blog as well. Leave us a link and a comment so we can each visit you in return!

Next Woman to Woman

We're coming up to the next Woman to Woman writing day, which will be Tuesday, September 11. Our theme has been changed to Gratitude. MG and I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to share specific things we are grateful for, so on Tuesday your writing assignment will be to list eleven items of gratitude, along with an explanation. (The significance being that it's Sept. 11.) I know we all have much in our lives for which to be grateful, so it should be a fairly easy topic for everyone.

On October 9, Woman to Woman will be hosting a book review. So please report on and recommend a book that you have read within the past 3 months. You may choose any book that falls into the categories of either Fiction or Mystery.

The final item regarding W to W is that we are coming to the last few weeks of topics. Our current schedule ends on December 11. We would like to offer our readers the opportunity for input on future topics, because we'd like to continue the W to W series as long as there's interest. If you have a topic you'd like to suggest, please email it to us for consideration. Our intent is to address subjects that are pertinent in women's lives whether you are a newlywed, middle aged or senior adult. We believe we all have something to share and learn together.Please keep in mind that we do not address religious differences or political issues. Those can be very divisive and our goal is to unite. We each have our email address in our blog profiles, so you shouldn't have difficulty contacting us.

Have a fabulous day!

Woman to Woman: Learning to say no"

A lot of women feel like they have to "do it all", regardless of what may be realistic for them. Do you fall into this category? Can you just not resist the urge to be involved in everything? Or have you learned to say no? Have you taken a step backward and seen positive results? Share your frustrations or share your advice... Tell us what you think about the current trend to be all things to all people.

I know so many women, myself included, that are afraid to say no. I have my limitations, but I definitely fall into this category, and in some arenas more than others. When the volunteer forms get passed around at the beginning of the school year, for instance, I begin trying to finagle a way around the fact that I have 2 babies at home. And I feel defeated and like a slacker mom when I realize I can't make it happen without incurring a rather large babysitting bill. All because it's not my face behind the counter at the Book Fair that my daughter sees! It's ridiculous now that I am actually typing it out. I know that I have years ahead of me to do these kinds of things, but I can't seem to shake that feeling that I am missing out on something big by not being there in the center of it all.

I attribute these obligatory feelings to my ever bustling mother, who was on the PTA, headed the neighborhhood carnival and Halloween festival, handmade many of my clothes, performed with a Hawaiian entertainment group, served as a youth group leader and was my room mother nearly every year. Yeah she was the woman everyone loved to hate... cape securely fastened at all times. I feel drawn to this crazy busy lifestyle because I grew up in it! But I remember eating dinner in the car more than I remember tender moments at home as a family. So in the past year my life has slowed down significantly. I taught private violin/viola lessons for years and have stopped. I've stopped volunteering to host all the baby showers for my friends. I haven't designed a wedding reception in over a year. I have realized how much happier I and my family are when I am able to sit down and just breathe. Just be with them. I've called it surrendering to motherhood, but really it's just accepting my capabilities and the needs of my family. I want my children to remember their time with me more than any of my grand contributions. And I want them to learn the importance of balance in their lives. Time management and prioritization are not skills that are taught in school; they are exemplified at home. "Do not run faster than ye have strength" has a particular resonance when I think of this important lesson.

I'd also like to add here (and this is a *bit* of an aside) that there are low energy people and there are high energy people. We must not feel like our level of activity or involvement or amount that we give "qualifies" us. Morning Glory points out in her post, that just because some people don't speak up or jump at opportunities to lead or serve doesn't mean they don't want to or are not capable of it. President Spencer W. Kimball of the LDS Church said, "We must lay upon the alter of sacrifice that which is required of love." Well, that is different for each of us. We mustn't doubt our offerings. The Lord knows what we have to give; we don't have to merit it. It is the adversary that tells us we aren't good enough, we don't do enough, etc., etc.

I believe there is a time and season for everything; that I can have it all, just not at the same time. I am committed to my decision to be a mother. And I haven't surrendered my happiness... I still accept the occasional gig around town. I'll teach a random art or design class here and there. I serve callings in church. I offer to bring my best dish to the baby showers rather than host them. And it may be a few years before I am on the PTA, but I bring my violin to the school every year for the Christmas parties and I serenade the children. It's fulfilling, and it's just enough.

Thank you for joining us today! Please take some time to visit my co-host, Morning Glory.

Woman to Woman events and a give-away

The topic for Woman to Woman on Tuesday, August 28th, will be "Learning to say no". A lot of women feel like they have to "do it all", regardless of what may be realistic for them. Do you fall into this category? Can you just not resist the urge to be involved in everything? Or have you learned to say no? Have you taken a step backward and seen positive results? Share your frustrations or share your advice... Tell us what you think about the current trend to be all things to all people.

In October we will be having a Woman to Woman book review! Morning Glory loves mysteries and I love fiction. So we decided that we would let you choose anything from those two genres. Start thinking now of a book that has had an impact on you. It will be fun to hear each other's reviews and I suspect it will also give us each some new ideas for "what to read next".

The remaining topics will be as follows:

8/28-Learning to say "no"
9/11-Overcoming the "people pleaser" syndrome
9/25-TIPS AND TRICKS facing your parenting fears
10/9-book review
10/23-Dealing with grief
11/13-Being single again
11/27-Infertility
12/11-Trying to be something/someone you are not

Come one, come all, and join us on Tuesday!

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I need to close out the summer by giving something away. This time there is something for Mommy AND baby! So please leave a comment in this post (lurkers - you too!) and you will be entered in a drawing for this covered baby wipes container and miniature desk organization kit, all of which are very matchy-matchy and cute. The winner will be announced on Friday, August 30. So there is plenty of time to get a good group of entrees and create lots of yummy anticipation!

Woman to Woman

We'll be discussing the next topic on August 14th, and here it is: dealing with aging parents. There are many women who still have one or both parents living. As our parents age and move into their 80s and 90s, they often need a family member to care for them. Are you currently the caregiver for a parent? Perhaps you are the caregiver for a beloved grandparent. What have you observed through this process and how have you worked this caregiving into your family life? What difficulties have you encountered, and how have you resolved them? What has been successful for you?

Stop by next Tuesday and share your insights, observations, concerns with us. There will be a place for you to sign your name and link us to your post on the subject. You'll also be able to visit other participant's via their links. And if you'd like a button to label your post or place in your sidebar, email myself or Morning Glory.

I found Woman to Woman yesterday to be very valuable. I'd heard a lot of the tips mentioned, but some of them were worded such that I saw room for improvement, or different ways to accomplish the same goals. I have already selected a few of your suggestions and put them to use. Thank you!

As I read everyone's responses, the thought occurred to me that selflessness is really a BIG key to happy relationships... and I don't just mean in marriage, but also parenting, in friendships, even with business relations. We live in a world where there is a FINE line between selfishness and certitude. We have been taught to fear getting left behind, or forgotten, and so we assert ourselves and we focus on "me". It is when we lose sight of our connections that we REALLY get left behind, or forgotten.

As a mother, I have fallen into patterns where I try and try to fill my cup and just don't seem to get what I am after. My husband and my children suffer when I begin focusing too much on my needs. And those needs are never quite fulfilled because it's not just about me right now. I am part of a whole, a family, and only when we stay connected do I feel fulfilled. It's all about balance and moderation, but also priorities.

Thank you again for all your wise words and experiences!

Woman to Woman: Keeping your marriage alive

"Whether you've been married for 38 years, 8 years or are a newlywed, you've probably picked up a few of the keys to a happy marriage, one which is nurturing and continues to grow. Maybe your marriage has struggled, but you've found a road back to each other and have insights for those in similar situations. What would you say are the three most key elements in your marriage that keep the romance alive and the heart aflutter? "

My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I can hardly believe that much time has passed. In fact, if I didn't have so much to show for it, I wouldn't believe it. But we have been extremely blessed, and I have listed here a few (3 of my own, 3 of my husband's) reasons why.

- We never go to bed angry. I remember receiving this bit of advice at my bridal shower, so it is probably the first thing I learned about keeping my marriage alive. One of the little "games" we played was that each guest had to give me their best pearl of marital wisdom before I could open their gift. This suggestion has really stuck with me, and now I truly cannot fall asleep if I am feeling bitter about something. It must be resolved or it will either eat away at me all night long, or get buried and just rare its ugly head again at some point in the near future.

- When I asked my husband what he thought the best keys to keeping your marriage alive were (and I know that I am jumping around here), he said regular date nights, setting aside a daily time to talk, and keeping your sense of humor (to which he smartly added "and lots of wrestling"... women's wrestling was on the television at the time... turd).
It's true, dating does wonders for our relationship. It makes me feel young and in love again when I am holding my husband's hand as we walk into a restaurant, or laying my head on his shoulder during a movie, or displaying my affection towards him in public. Not to mention, it gives us a break from the children, who never fail to notice when we've slipped out of the room to steal a private moment.
My husband is the one who's encouraged our "nightly talk". Me? I'd like to just talk whenever it strikes my fancy or whenever I have the urge. Unfortunately this usually occurs in several short spurts throughout the day (he works) and just as my head hits the pillow at night. It is far easier for him if we have a specific time set aside to talk than it is for me to lie down next to him at 11 o'clock at night and begin venting just as he's drifting off. There is also a greater chance of him reciprocating in the conversation if he is awake for it, and I prefer that. :)
As for the sense of humor, I think it is our greatest asset. There's nothing better than getting to the climax of an argument only to meet each in the eye and begin laughing hysterically. Why is not usually known, but it is certainly a good save for us. Laughter is good medicine. It is rejuvenating and a natural way of relieving stress.
- Another important key is romance. I really enjoy making a fancy dessert for after the kids are in bed, opening a bottle of sparkling cider, lighting some candles, and listening to Sade or Chris Botti. My husband enjoys curling up under the covers whenever there is a late night rainstorm. Occasionally, I will revert back to my college days ritual of making him a mix tape of sappy love songs, or write him a love letter. Terms of endearment. Letting our children see us hug and kiss. All these things reignite the passion in our marriage. After 10 years of weathering, they are no longer the primary focus of our marriage, for sure, but they definitely add to it.
- The key I have found to be most beneficial to our marriage is prayer and scripture study as a couple. Our marriage seems the most stable when we are regularly doing these two things (I would even dare say that they could replace all the aforementioned things and achieve just as good results, because it is a very effective preventative measure). I believe it is one of our most important obligations to each other, and sadly the most challenging one to keep. Down time becomes such a precious commodity when you have children. Normally, we just want to collapse in the evening, and think/do nothing, but we really need to make the time to feed ourselves spiritually as a couple.
Having an ever growing, ever strengthening marriage can be really tough. It is easy to get caught up in other things, like your children, your job, yourself. But you are doing yourself a huge disservice if you do not put your marriage first. That union supercedes everything else if it is to last.
Thank you all for joining us today. We have had quite a few new faces come around, with some questions and confusion, so I want to go over a few basics to reacquaint everyone with the process here. There is no need to sign up for "Woman to Woman". Anyone who wants to participate may do so... and that can be once, or every time. "Woman to Woman" occurs on the second and fourth Tuesdays of each month. A schedule of topics (which is subject to change, so always check mine or Morning Glory's blog on the Thursday preceding the challenge date for a verification of the upcoming topic) can be found in this post. All you have to do on the designated day is sign Mr. Linky below, linking us to your post on the designated topic. We ask that you try and sign Mr. Linky on both mine and Morning Glory's blog, as we are co-hosts on this project and we blog in different circles. This also increases the awareness of "Woman to Woman", which is a good thing. :) Then, please leave us a comment and we will in turn visit each of your posts as well. There is a choice of two buttons we've provided that you may use to label your post and/or place in your sidebar. The html code for these buttons can be emailed to you by myself or Morning Glory.

Summer give away and Woman to Woman

The winner of the second summer give-away is Pattie from Stolen Moments! Pattie will get her choice of a cherry or lemon print baby headband. Enjoy, Pattie!

The topic for Woman to Woman on Tuesday, July 10th, is "Tips and Tricks - Keeping your marriage alive". Whether you've been married for 38 years, 8 years or are a newlywed, you've probably picked up a few of the keys to a happy marriage, one which is nurturing and continues to grow. Maybe your marriage has struggled, but you've found a road back to each other and have insights for those in similar situations. What would you say are the three most key elements in your marriage that keep the romance alive and the heart aflutter?

Have a great weekend everybody!

Woman to Woman: "Share an important quote and what it means to you."

I've shared many quotes on this blog. The following is a post resurrected from last September.

Moms are brave. Whether it be scaring away the monsters under the bed or giving up a small part of their lives, moms are brave.

Consider this quote by Melvin J. Ballard on the love of mothers:

"I grant you that there are many who approach the great responsibility of motherhood with fear and timidity, because of its dangers to the physical life of the mother, because of its pain, its sorrow and its distress; but in the very nature of things, if God should lighten the burdens, the sorrow, and the pain of child-bearing, he would endanger the enduring love of the mother for her children. There is nothing worthwhile we obtain unless we pay the price for it."

"That which is given to us freely, we consider of little value, and so, because a mother goes into the valley of death, lays her life upon the altar to bring life into the world, and because through the rearing of the children who come to her, she spends many sleepless nights, denies herself the personal pleasures of life, devotes herself with patience and care and strength almost more than she has, to the welfare of her children—this is what makes her love them. For where her treasure is, there her heart is, and the greatest treasure a woman has she gives in her service, her life itself."

I bet all mothers can relate to this quote, and perhaps in very different ways. With how little validation we receive for our troubles in pregnancy and in motherhood, these words bring both comfort and pride to the amateur and the veteran, as well as the woman who desires to become a mother.

I sure wish I had heard these words when we conceived Sasha. It was such a blind leap of faith choosing to bring her into this world. It was a very unsure time for us... Given my history of preterm labor and other complications we received very little support and encouragement when we needed it most. But we knew - beyond a shadow of a doubt -that it was the right thing for our family. We knew she belonged with us. And how on earth could we not do what we knew was right? How could we not have faith that the Lord really only pushes us as far as we can go?

As I find myself caught up in this whirlwind called life, I often think, "Hello, is anyone watching me? Look ma, no hands!" But though I am tired and often feel worn down, I love them more than ever, these little fruits of my labors.

It is my wish that we recognize our courage in the seemingly small things we do, like simply carrying a child in our womb, let alone caring for it and protecting it once it is born. And that fear and unsurety we feel from time to time? Well, I've heard that defined as humility. Consider it an asurety that you are teachable and willing to learn to be better; to do better.


Be sure and stop by Morning Glory's blog, who's checking in while on vacation. And feel free to link yourself at both sites! Come one, come all!!!

Woman to Woman: "Having the latest baby everything"

"There is such a variety of baby products available in stores that it can be overwhelming. Add to that the pressure you often feel from your peers to have the latest and greatest of baby equipment. Add to that still the bombardment of products that promise to make your baby smarter, faster.

When you want to be hip AND have those things that make mommying a little easier, how do you keep from breaking the budget?For those women who are past the child-raising stage, do you have difficulty with these pressures in wanting to provide the "goodies" for the grandchildren? Do you see them as a hindrance towards a child's natural ability to develop? What were some ways that you were able to achieve similar benefits without all the bells and whistles?"

I somehow managed to get by without a changing table, an exersaucer, a bobby pillow, or a bouncer with my first child. Her cradle was borrowed. Her wardrobe consisted mainly of onesies. And when it came time to move her into a crib, we started with just a mattress on the floor. We had the bare bones essentials, and just a couple luxuries (diaper genie, swing - both of which have lasted all this time, and stroller - we're on our second now), and we got by just fine. You'd hardly know by looking at her that she was so "deprived". Lol.

But as soon as I could afford some fun stuff, I got it. I got the boppy pillow with #2. And seriously, that was a great investment. It's lasted me 3 pregnancies now. I also got the bouncy seat. Or whatever you call it. So useful, I cannot even remember the proper name for it. Yeah - thumbs down on that one. But I was sure I needed yet another baby container. By the time I had #3, I also got the exersaucer. Another good investment - it's gotten tons of mileage by our last 2 babies. And finally, with #4, a baby gym. Meh... those things really depend on the child. Sasha was unamused, whereas Drew - who played with a borrowed one - just loved it.

Throughout the pregnancies, there have been some very good, worthwhile purchases, and some very frivoulous ones. I recall a side-sleeping positioner that was rejected by all my babies. As well as a "kick and play" (similar to the more expensive baby gym). We were given a bottle warmer and sanitizer, neither of which came in good use.

I have loved, however, my baby food processor. It is perfect for small amounts of food. Other wise purchases have been burp cloths (lots of them - you never know if you're gonna get a real spitter), lap pads (thick washable changing pad - hard to find) and a really good breast pump (I have used a Medela Pump in Style for 3 babies now).

Now. You all know. how I love. the baby toppings. Lol. That's the only way I know to describe the "fun stuff". If it's a boy, well you'll save a bundle in this area. If it's a girl, my suggestion is to get crafty, and fast. Baby girl bows and jewelry and outfits can be insanely over priced. But easy to reproduce yourself. And oh so much fun!

As for the toys and all that... I think a baby could grow up with a good set of blocks and learn every bit as much through play as a baby with all the bells and whistles. I vividly remember my creative pretend play as a child... setting up a grocery store in our living room, making a doll house out of shoes boxes, throwing a blanket on the ground and pretending it was a pool. With a chair to jump off of as our diving board. And very little of that play involved toys.

If we're not careful, we're going to raise our children entirely in a digital world where everything is put up on a screen for them, and little is left to their own imagination. Why are we so afraid of idle time? Is there some chance of mental degression if our children are not stimulated 24/7? Baby Einstein videos anyone?


I think there is value in boredom. Not unattended boredom, mind you. But boredom is what gets our children problem solving. It gets them thinking about creative ways to fill their time. I like to give my kids a bag of odds and ends and watch them come up with some way to have fun with them. A paper towel roll becomes a telescope. A pencil and string become a fishing rod. A plastic plate becomes a shield. A sheet becomes a toga. A wooden spoon works well as a wand. A pillow case makes a great cape. I also love a good homemade toy.


I hope some first time mother stumbles across some of these posts. There are millions of lists out there - of baby layettes and baby's first library and baby's nursery needs. I both got by without half the stuff suggested to me and found that I didn't need some things I really held out for! The truth is, your baby needs very little, and certainly not all at once. There is plenty of time to assess, even after he/she arrives. It is amazing how little you care about what they are wearing once they finally arrive.


Don't forget to see what Morning Glory's readers have to say! We'd both appreciate your comments AND links!

I am a great, big, sentimental sap! And proud of it...

I am one of those moms that get teary at very unexpected moments... I could simply be telling you about something funny one of my children said, and begin crying.

Jonah had his first swimming lesson on Saturday. I hired a private teacher so that he would be able to concentrate and retain what he learns. It will be important for him to learn good water safety skills as we will be vacationing around a lot of water this summer, and he is one impulsive little boy.

The place where we attend lessons is in a pretty rural area. And we go in the morning. The air was cool. There was a nice breeze and no blazing sun. It was very quiet outside, except for a farmer plowing off in the distance. And my little boy in the water with his instructor.

It is so nice to get a moment to focus exclusively on one of your children. I watched as he tenderly held onto his teacher's shoulders, who was trying to teach him to keep his legs straight back behind him when he kicked.

I realized, as I have time and time again, that he has the most heart warming smile... and eyeleashes that go on for miles. Then there is his cute, wrinkled up little nub nose, which will soon be speckled with freckles from days spent playing outdoors. And it wasn't long before, you guessed it, I was wiping the tears from my eyes. I thank the Lord for these unexpected moments when we are filled with so much love for our children!

You know, there was a time when I did not look forward to the summer months. Up until this summer, I've been mostly pregnant and on some form of bedrest, or caring for a newborn. And stressed. But this summer I am excited to spend quality time with my children, a lot of it one on one. And I think it will be the start of some very fun traditions... weekly baking, art activities, trips to the library, swimming...

Speaking of fun, it is time to announce the winner of my first summer give-away! I am pleased to announce that the custom made magnets will go to Morning Glory from Seeds From My Garden! Congratulations MG! I tell you, she is one lucky woman. She won the virtual chocloates and pedicure last summer for guessing what day Sasha would be born!

Stay tuned for more summer give-aways! You might want to find a way to brush shoulders with MG if you want to win! Lol!

Don't forget to join us for Woman to Woman tomorrow!

Who needs a dog when we have Drew?

My children (and husband) have been begging me for a puppy for a long time now. I am not really a dog person, and can hardly fathom the idea of taking care of anyone/thing else right now. So I've had jurisdiction in this decision. After recent events, I believe I also have reason on my side.


My 31 month old Drew is 36 lbs. and 3 feet tall. Bigger than your average "puppy". He's always been a great eater. Rarely turns his nose up at anything. Vegetables included. His siblings, however, will often leave a few bites behind on their plates, with the intent of finishing once they become hungry again. But they do not always get that chance, as Drew often sneaks back into the kitchen (the instant I become distracted) and laps up their remainders in seconds flat.


Just this afternoon I came downstairs to find my little Drew eating tiny popcorn pieces and half popped kernels off the floor. I found it endearing. I know that he feels left out of our afternoon ritual of popping corn (which always happens during his naptime), and I feel badly about that. But I also found it funny, because the similarities between this little four-legged housekeeper of mine and the puppy which everyone in my house begs for is uncanny.


#1 - We are currently potty training (I SO do not want to add to that stress - dogs are probably even harder to teach than humans - given that they do not find much value in sticker charts). #2 - he currently answers to the ever popular dog name "Bruiser" (see forehead for details).

#3 - he affectionately burrows himself into you when he wants to play.
#4 he loves to chase the cat.
#5 - he nips.


Does that not seal the deal? I think the only thing that might be in a puppy's favor is the fact that he will probably learn to "sit!" much more quickly. Bruiser's been working on THAT one for quite some time now, and I don't see the formulation of an obedience school for toddlers anytime soon.


:)


Our next Woman to Woman will take palce on June 12th. The topic is "Having the latest baby everything", which will be particularly relevant to today's young mothers. There is such a variety of baby products available in stores that it can be overwhelming. Add to that the pressure you often feel from your peers to have the latest and greatest of baby equipment. Add to that still the bombardment of products that promise to make your baby smarter, faster. When you want to be hip AND have those things that make mommying a little easier, how do you keep from breaking the budget?

For those women who are past the child-raising stage, do you have difficulty with these pressures in wanting to provide the "goodies" for the grandchildren? Do you see them as a hindrance towards a child's natural ability to develop? What were some ways that you were able to achieve similar benefits without all the bells and whistles?