Somewhere someone has just found out she is going to become a mother. Somewhere someone has found out she won't. Somewhere a mother is crying for the loss of a pregnancy. Somewhere a mother isn't ready to be a mother. Somewhere a mother is giving birth. Somewhere a mother is sleep deprived. Somewhere a mother is staring into the eyes of a newborn. Somewhere a mother is picking cheerios up off the floor. Somewhere a mother is making sacrifices. Somewhere a mother is watching her baby learn to walk. Somewhere a mother is gently cleaning a booboo and covering it with a band aid. Somewhere a mother is rocking a sick child.
Somewhere a mother is finding out she has cancer. Somewhere a mother is dying. Somewhere a mother is caring for her own mother. Somewhere a mother is ready to give up. Somewhere a mother is asking for help. Somewhere a mother is cleaning the house. Somewhere a mother is making a meal for her family. Somewhere a mother has finally found joy in the little things. Somewhere a mother is teaching her child. Somewhere a mother is being taught. Somewhere a mother is feeling proud. Somewhere a mother is being humiliated in the grocery store by her toddler. Somewhere a mother is feeling trapped. Somewhere a mother needs a break. Somewhere a mother is feeling rejuvenated. Somewhere a mother has found time for herself.
Somewhere a mother is praying for her children. Somewhere a mother is praying for herself. Somewhere a mother is worrying. Somewhere a mother is doubting herself. Somewhere a mother is paving the way. Somewhere a mother is ready to take on the world. Somewhere a mother is being criticized. Somewhere a mother is losing her inhibitions. Somewhere a mother is feeling humbled. Somewhere a mother is reaching out. Somewhere a mother is helping another mother. Somewhere a mother is feeling unappreciated. Somewhere a mother is crying. Somewhere a mother needs to be held. Somewhere a mother is thinking of the future. Somehwere a mother is wondering how she is going to make it to tomorrow.
Somewhere a mother is attending a graduation. Somewhere a mother is planning a wedding. Somewhere a mother is burying her child. Somewhere a mother is watching her own child become a parent. Somewhere a mother's long journey is coming to an end.
Motherhood has its ups and downs. For every mother I've ever observed, learned from, been close to - here's to the bumpy ride.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my 2 youngest children, ages 5 and 3. My 3 year old is going through a transition right now... she doesn't want to ride in the cart but she's not quite mature enough to be on her own 2 feet, either. She just can't resist running off! All that space, and a big, heavy cart to slow Mommy down are just too much temptation for her.
Since I only needed a few things, I used one of the little carts. It was the perfect height for Drew, and I rarely use them so it was kind of a new thing for him. He was begging to push it, and Sasha was having a fit because I was holding her (we were browsing the flowers outside near the parking lot and I was afraid she was going to get run over by a car), so I let him. He rammed into the back of my legs a couple times, and almost took out a whole tables of pots before I chided him. Just as I was saying "watch it", a man comes strolling out of the store and chastises me with "Let him do it, he needs to learn. He can handle it, Mom," and gives me this look like "You really need to chill." Normally I think I would have ignored him and kept going, but on this day I was feeling empowered. So I looked him squarely in the eye and said "I know what I'm doing," smiled, and guided my kids into the store.
My first thought was, "The nerve of some people!" But then I realized that what was more important here was that I felt confident enough to stand up for myself. I knew that I had handled the situation appropriately, and that my reaction was reasonable. I cannot tell you how many times in my younger mothering years, however, that an experience like this would have shaken my confidence. I would have stewed over it, and fixated on whether or not I am a patient enough mother, and called my husband and friends and sought validation, and become bitter over this tiny interaction with a complete stranger.
As insignificant as it may seem, yesterday was a turning point for me. An a-ha moment. I DO know what I am doing. I AM a good mother. I finally feel the way I appear to others! Lol. When you have 4 kids a lot of people will naturally assume you know what you are doing. Not always so. ;) But I feel like my vast array of experiences have resulted in a pretty good grasp of things. Or, at the very least, a little more confidence in myself as a mother.
We could all use a boost of confidence. So, in honor of upcoming Mother's Day, I hope that each of you will find a moment to sit down and realize some way in which you are succeeding as a mother. Don't seek the validation from someone or somewhere else, find it within yourself. It's there, I promise.
Check out this article somebody recently shared with me (and tell me what you think in your comments):
It’s funny, the way I get so cerebral about homemaking. You’d think that, after talking to my mom and her friends — now in their 80s — I’d be more down-to-earth about it all. Certainly that’d be the case when I heard what a chore it was and how happy they were when they could finally stop cooking, cleaning, and raising kids (not all did, to be sure, but enough did). Right?
Having been raised in an era of über-options for women, I might never have looked back, never considered homemaking a thing to be valued. Or, at the very least, I would understand the socio-political consequences of relegating any one gender to a life without many translatable career skills. It’s risky, to be sure.
I mean, how many women found themselves on the short end of the stick after their husbands took off for greener pastures? Or even if they didn’t leave (and many wished they did), how many women found the daily chores of homemaking brain-numbing to the extreme?
Certainly we know the stories of lonely and frustrated suburban women downing cocktails and Valium in their meager stabs at freedom.
Someone needs to bake the cookies.
So why do I keep revisiting this thing called “homemaking” (or, more rightfully, “householding”) in my head? Well, because I believe we threw the baby out with the bath water.
I believe there is much to be found in a life of home stewardship, but to find it, we will have to challenge many of our assumptions and stereotypes. We will have to question our notions of success and how they have been dialed into an otherwise unexamined economic doctrine.
But mostly, I make the case because I am a woman with enough chutzpah to do so. Without a doubt, if this movement gets any traction there will be legions of naysayers to challenge “the right of return” I am calling for. But I am not afraid. I’m butch, and I bake cookies.
I’m a mother and wife, but not because I’m afraid to be otherwise. I am making a case for revisionist gender politics as it relates to homemaking. Some are good at it and some are not, and it has nothing to do with what’s under your skirt (as it were).
Now that I’ve made that clear, I want to connect the dots, or revise the dots:
1. Householding is not a gender-specific act
2. Householding seeks to revise small-scale systems of home economics
3. Householding eschews fast food, fancy packaging, and marketing hype
4. Householding requires a connection with natural systems
5. Householding sees value in the domestic
6. Householding eschews “economies of scale” as maligned systems
7. Householding seeks a healthy environment, family, and community as a barometer of its success
8. Householding refuses the commodification of everyday skills
9. Householding is something I’m trying to understand.
In essence, I am making a call for a return to the home as a political act, an economic stance, and a spiritual movement. I am making a call for a return because we need one. I am making a call because the more creative minds we put to the task, the better the solutions. I am making a call for a return because someone needs to be home when all the “important” work out there is done. Someone needs to meet our children at the door and listen to their stories. Someone needs to create the quiet, safe, and unhurried spaces of our inner lives.
Who shall it be now?
Let me be honest: Sometimes the effort is brain-numbing, but other times (most of the time) it’s infused with the renewed logic of home stewardship and sustainable economics. Certainly our current economic crisis has shown us just how fragile/corrupt the mainstream system is, but we did not need the crash to see it. Not if we wanted to think through it.
These days, when I go to the grocery store I look at products with new eyes. From an anthropological perspective it amazes me to see how effectively they (whoever they are) have turned everything I can do for myself into something they will do for me — for a price.
But what is the price? What has been the price of jobbing out our lives? What has been made of the environment? What has been made of our families? What has been made of our spirits, our economy, and our souls? Those are rhetorical questions, because most of you know the answers.
Certainly some have found themselves returning home for reasons outside their control and are struggling. Others (and their numbers are growing) are making a conscious choice to do so. Whatever the reason, I believe a great opportunity for transformation is upon us.
Creating new economies, home economies, economies based on reasoned and prudent systems of supply, demand, production, and consumption, will take a hands-on, homemade revolution. It will take a stepping-down from the mainstream marketing matrix. It will require a re-evaluation of wants and needs. In the end, it might well require a radical new legion of butch cookie makers to challenge the dominant economic paradigm.
Oh yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.
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I've been thinking a lot about my decision to be a stay-at-home-mom lately. What has worked for me, to keep that "brain-numbing" feeling at bay, is to find time to do things that I enjoy, that utilize my skills, and that make me feel whole. I could also say more than "just a mother" but nobody is just a mother. Motherhood isn't "just" anything. It is, as Fasonfest said, a contribution to society. I have found joy in balancing motherhood with a life outside of it. But I have always put my family first. And feel it is close-minded, after all women have been through, for this choice to still be challenged on many levels. Which I find interesting, because also as Fasonfest said, I may not have valued the choice I went on to make without having so many more options open to me than perhaps were open (or at least welcome) to generations before me. I feel more open-minded because I've embraced the possibility that "homemaking" just might be a noble cause. Get around the fact that I have 4 (gasp) kids, and look at the fact that I take pride in what I do, in being a woman for which the world is my oyster. My friend Catherine is working on a dissertation and in her research shared with me that there was a brief movement of cultural feminism in the 70s, in which the nature of a woman was glorified, the idea being that spirituality, intelligence and power emerge from the essence of (undervalued) femininity.
Well put an apron on me and call me Donna!
ETA: A year later the economic aspect of staying at home hits a little closer to home. It is a huge sacrifice in so many ways to do so. But I am not complaining. I still feel certain that not just "householding", but family raising, is a noteworthy contribution to the world. It's nod is coming, I can feel it. It's apparent in the growing focus on the father as co-nurturer, it's apparent in the efforts to go green and live a more simple life. We're slowly getting back to our roots, aren't we?
I realized today that just because my life is chaotic right now doesn't mean my blog need be neglected. So I looked back to my posts from last March and some of my favorite evers were there! I'll be reposting a few of them this week while I get back on my feet (preferably with new carpet beneath them). ;)
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Let's face it, "some things are better left unsaid". A mother rarely reveals what she's really thinking. Am I right? Because - how embarassing that we might actually have real thoughts of running away, or tossing the china against the wall.
I recently saw a column where a woman had written in to ask why her friend, who had children while she did not, couldn't find the time to just pick up the phone and call her every once in a while. After all she was home all day. She wanted to know what really kept her so busy and tired all the time. Here's a portion of the response given to her: "When you have young kids your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, cleaned, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any of which produced check-out line screaming. It's needing 45 minutes to do what it takes others 15. It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, cosntant relegation of your needs to the second tier. It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense. It's doing all this while currently teaching virtually everything - language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity,creativity. Empathy. Everything. It's also a choice, yes, and a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend who wouldn't judge you, complain about you or marvel how much more productively she uses her time."
What was I saying about not revealing all your true thoughts? Well, thank goodness for this columnist who said everything I wish I could say. And more. I could get a lot of use out of this as a rote response to the ever old "What did you do today?".
One of the hardest things for me, at least, is keeping the self talk in check (Surfside anyone?). It's a neverending battle for some of us. We unceasingly compare ourselves to others, or our children to others' children, our homes to others' homes, our husbands to others' husbands, our decision to be moms to others' decisions to, well, not. Add to that this unspoken need to defend that decision. Because if we're going to complain about how hard it is, or be exhausted all the time, then why did we choose to become mothers in the first place?
You can believe in what you're doing, know that you were meant to be a mother in this instance, and still not be to thrilled to face some days. I think that's completely normal no matter what you're doing with your adult life. But oh the mom guilt! The negative thoughts... "You shoudn't feel that way. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, a calling." Phooey. I remember a friend once telling me she needed to take a "mental health day". How clever I thought. And she was dead serious. She did it. I could definitely benefit from one of those every now and then. All I'd need is a quiet house, all to myself, to just sit and think, or not. No biggie.
My children take piano lessons from an older gentleman in our ward. He and his wife have children which are mostly grown and on their own now. So in other words, their house is quiet. Sometimes I sit at the bottom of their stairs and listen to the tail end of my kids' lessons. They have a set of windchimes on their porch that produces such lovely tunes, and has such a calming effect on me. The first time I noticed the sound, I huffed inside of my head "I know I'd never hear those lovely chimes were they hanging on my porch. My kids are too freaking crazy and loud." This thought soured my mood and for the next few days I found myself looking forward to a future when I could enjoy such tranquility.
That day could be now. And I do WANT to live in the now. I don't really want to escape, but for just a few daily moments perhaps. I need to make the time. I need to feel okay with needing that time. I need to speak up every once in a while and say "I need a mental health break!" "I need some time with my windchimes!" Lol. But most of all, it's needs to be heard and respected.
I think most moms feel this way - but we all think we're the only one that feels this way. If we felt important enough to express our needs or our frustration without fear of being misunderstood or judged maybe we'd realize it's normal. We're not alone.
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I am happy to report that 1 year later I have made a 180 degree turn when it comes to speaking up and saying "I need to get outta here for a bit!" Good news, eh? How about you?
Let me start by saying that I am not tooting my horn here. I don't think I am any more amazing than the mom next door. But I do get asked, often, how do I do it all? It makes me feel a little self conscious, because I don't want to be seen as that woman. I want to be seen as a real person, who struggles and simply does her best. Not some overachieving perfectionist. It is true, I enjoy having a nice, clean house and I enjoy going all out for my children's birthday parties. I have a lot of energy and I will try my hand and work to excel at a lot of things in my life. It's just who I am. Not something I am trying to portray or some image I am trying to maintain. But there are a few things I've discovered along the way that have made my life easier. Some of them are probably already habits for many of you! But here they are.
I do not have a set cleaning schedule. I clean as I go. As tired as I may be, I do not put off clearing/wiping down the table after a meal. Or vacuuming after the kids have tracked in a bunch of dirt and grass. Or putting away the toys at the end of the day (and my kids help with this).
If you had to pick one area of your house that you want to keep spotless most of the time, what would it be? Perhaps a visible area to all drop in visitors? Perhaps the area you spend the majority of your time? For me it is my kitchen. I like having a clean table and clean counters and a clean floor. That means I clean it every day. My living room is a close second since it is attached to the kitchen, so I always clean the floors in both rooms. Having an area that I feel is always clean makes me feel like I keep a clean house. Even if the playroom is a disaster.
Chuck the junk mail immediately (preferably into the recycle bin). If you cannot afford it, do not browse the catalog. Or they will begin to pile up as you "hope" to be able to make a purchase sometime soon. I hate piles. I usually have one, inevitably, but I go through it regularly and anything I haven't looked at in a week gets tossed or shredded.
Every time I go usptairs, I take a pile of stray toys with me. Our playroom is upstairs, but that doesn't keep my kids from wandering downstairs with a toy every once in a while. If I didn't do this, by the end of the day/week there would be a huge untidy mess downstairs, and it might have only started with a few legos!
Always have a calendar with you. In all honesty I am still working on this one. It never fails that I double schedule things if I do not have a pocket calendar with me as I am scheduling a check-up, appointment, photo session, teacher conference, etc.
Wipe down the faucet/ sink area with the hand towel after you wash your hands, and wash your hand towels often. My kids haven't quite caught on yet, but this reduces how often I have to clean the bathrooms. We also squeegee our walls/shower doors every day.
Plan a girls night with some friends every week. Just do it! Don't think about the million thigns you should be doing, give yourself a break and you will come home with a better attitude and desire to stay on top of your to-do list.
Have a hobby. Or two. Something that makes you feel like you. Personally, I have 7: music, photography, interior design/crafts/art, reading, baking, party planning, running. But I am not doing them all at the same time! Music and photography are my main source of income, and running is how I stay fit. The others fit into my life as I have or make time for them. And sometimes they fit nicely into mothering. What kids don't like to run? Sometimes I take mine with me. What kids don't like to make stuff? Sometimes I give my kids a project to work on while I am working on mine. What kids don't like to bake? Sometimes I let them help me with new recipes.
Say no once in a while. "It is not requisite that a man run faster than he has strength." Easier said than done, at least for me. But the world will not fall apart if you don't help out with the school carnival. And while I believe it IS important to give back, nobody will think anything of you for not getting involved with every little event.
Be flexible. Nothing makes an inconvenient situation worse than an unbending personality. Things happen! Try not to whine about it. Just keep moving.
Be grateful for a supportive husband. This is key for me. When I get asked how I do it all, I should be saying: it's not all me, that's how! I have a husband who encourages me to do what I love, what will in turn make me a better mom, wife and self. He thinks I am a great mom, so when I am feeling inadequate I know he doesn't think that of me. I show him gratitude by spoiling him a little... bringing home his favorite drink from Sonic, letting him pick out a favorite dinner for the week's menu, giving him a break from the dishes (one of his many contributions around the house), encouraging him to go see a pointless violent movie with some friends, or even just saying "Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you."
Take a deep breath. Getting overwhelmed is easy for a mom. Realize you have to let something go once in a while. Sometimes I think that if I took the time to sit down and write a list of what I want to have accomplished that day, and then alongside it what is realistic, I'd save myself a lot of frustration.
Most important, enjoy yourself. Life is meant to be enjoyed. That is why I try and make the most of every moment. There is joy in every little thing if you take the time to recognize it.
Let's face it, "some things are better left unsaid". A mother rarely reveals what she's really thinking. Am I right? Because - how embarassing that we might actually have real thoughts of running away, or tossing the china against the wall.
I recently saw a column where a woman had written in to ask why her friend, who had children while she did not, couldn't find the time to just pick up the phone and call her every once in a while. After all she was home all day. She wanted to know what really kept her so busy and tired all the time. Here's a portion of the response given to her: "When you have young kids your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, cleaned, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any of which produced check-out line screaming. It's needing 45 minutes to do what it takes others 15. It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, cosntant relegation of your needs to the second tier. It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense. It's doing all this while currently teaching virtually everything - language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity,creativity. Empathy. Everything. It's also a choice, yes, and a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend who wouldn't judge you, complain about you or marvel how much more productively she uses her time."
What was I saying about not revealing all your true thoughts? Well, thank goodness for this columnist who said everything I wish I could say. And more. I could get a lot of use out of this as a rote response to the ever old "What did you do today?".
One of the hardest things for me, at least, is keeping the self talk in check (Surfside anyone?). It's a neverending battle for some of us. We unceasingly compare ourselves to others, or our children to others' children, our homes to others' homes, our husbands to others' husbands, our decision to be moms to others' decisions to, well, not. Add to that this unspoken need to defend that decision. Because if we're going to complain about how hard it is, or be exhausted all the time, then why did we choose to become mothers in the first place?
You can believe in what you're doing, know that you were meant to be a mother in this instance, and still not be to thrilled to face some days. I think that's completely normal no matter what you're doing with your adult life. But oh the mom guilt! The negative thoughts... "You shoudn't feel that way. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, a calling." Phooey. I remember a friend once telling me she needed to take a "mental health day". How clever I thought. And she was dead serious. She did it. I could definitely benefit from one of those every now and then. All I'd need is a quiet house, all to myself, to just sit and think, or not. No biggie.
My children take piano lessons from an older gentleman in our ward. He and his wife have children which are mostly grown and on their own now. So in other words, their house is quiet. Sometimes I sit at the bottom of their stairs and listen to the tail end of my kids' lessons. They have a set of windchimes on their porch that produces such lovely tunes, and has such a calming effect on me. The first time I noticed the sound, I huffed inside of my head "I know I'd never hear those lovely chimes were they hanging on my porch. My kids are too freaking crazy and loud." This thought soured my mood and for the next few days I found myself looking forward to a future when I could enjoy such tranquility.
That day could be now. And I do WANT to live in the now. I don't really want to escape, but for just a few daily moments perhaps. I need to make the time. I need to feel okay with needing that time. I need to speak up every once in a while and say "I need a mental health break!" "I need some time with my windchimes!" Lol. But most of all, it's needs to be heard and respected.
I think most moms feel this way - but we all think we're the only one that feels this way. If we felt important enough to express our needs or our frustration without fear of being misunderstood or judged maybe we'd realize it's normal. We're not alone.
"The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torcherous."
Anna Quindlen
Mothers everywhere, who are under the impression that things will get easier when:
a) your child sleeps through the night
b) your child can walk by him/herself
c) your child can feed himself
d)your child is potty trained
e)your child is in preschool
f) you child is in Kindergarten
g) your child has a hobby
h) your child can do homework on his/her own
i) your child is old enough to help out
I am here to burst your bubble. Lol. Motherhood gets easier in some regards and more difficult in others. It gets busier (chaffeur, anyone?), and dirtier (always have wet wipes with you, even for the 9 year old!), and crazier (starting with me). And I for one, 4 children later, am just as tired as ever. But I truly was among those that thought my reprieve would come as I checked each item off my to do list. That list just gets longer and longer, my friends.
So yeah, we may never escape chaos, but there is joy amidst that chaos. I think we become better at our calling as we go along... more efficient, more organized, more REALISTIC. With that comes confidence, and the ease to enjoy motherhood. Hence, we tend to laugh at ourselves more easily when we, say, try to put socks on our kid's hands instead of their feet. :)
So I'm here to set the record straight, it woulda been nice for somebody to have done so for me... The next time somebody catches you in a fluster and pauses to tell you "It gets easier, dear...", you may look back at them with an all knowing eye and be not deceived. Because they're not saying that your burden becomes any lighter, they're just saying that you learn to adapt.
Just one more reason to keep on keepin' on...
Somewhere someone has just found out she is going to become a mother. Somewhere someone has found out she won't. Somewhere a mother is crying for the loss of a pregnancy. Somewhere a mother isn't ready to be a mother. Somewhere a mother is giving birth. Somewhere a mother is sleep deprived. Somewhere a mother is staring into the eyes of a newborn. Somewhere a mother is picking cheerios up off the floor. Somewhere a mother is making sacrifices. Somewhere a mother is watching her baby learn to walk. Somewhere a mother is gently cleaning a booboo and covering it with a band aid. Somewhere a mother is rocking a sick child. Somewhere a mother is finding out she has cancer. Somewhere a mother is dying. Somewhere a mother is caring for her own mother. Somewhere a mother is ready to give up. Somewhere a mother is asking for help. Somewhere a mother is cleaning the house. Somewhere a mother is making a meal for her family. Somewhere a mother has finally found joy in the little things. Somewhere a mother is teaching her child. Somewhere a mother is being taught. Somewhere a mother is feeling proud. Somewhere a mother is being humiliated in the grocery store by her toddler. Somewhere a mother is feeling trapped. Somewhere a mother needs a break. Somewhere a mother is feeling rejuvenated. Somewhere a mother has found time for herself. Somewhere a mother is praying for her children. Somewhere a mother is praying for herself. Somewhere a mother is worrying. Somewhere a mother is doubting herself. Somewhere a mother is paving the way. Somewhere a mother is ready to take on the world. Somewhere a mother is being criticized. Somewhere a mother is losing her inhibitions. Somewhere a mother is feeling humbled. Somewhere a mother is reaching out. Somewhere a mother is helping another mother. Somewhere a mother is feeling unappreciated. Somewhere a mother is crying. Somewhere a mother needs to be held. Somewhere a mother is thinking of the future. Somewhere a mother is attending a graduation. Somewhere a mother is planning a wedding. Somewhere a mother is watching her own child become a parent. Somewhere a mother's long journey is coming to an end.
Motherhood has its ups and downs. For every mother I've ever observed, learned from, been close to - here's to the bumpy ride.
