Repost: Somebody needs to bake the cookies.

Check out this article somebody recently shared with me (and tell me what you think in your comments):


It’s funny, the way I get so cerebral about homemaking. You’d think that, after talking to my mom and her friends — now in their 80s — I’d be more down-to-earth about it all. Certainly that’d be the case when I heard what a chore it was and how happy they were when they could finally stop cooking, cleaning, and raising kids (not all did, to be sure, but enough did). Right?

Having been raised in an era of über-options for women, I might never have looked back, never considered homemaking a thing to be valued. Or, at the very least, I would understand the socio-political consequences of relegating any one gender to a life without many translatable career skills. It’s risky, to be sure.

I mean, how many women found themselves on the short end of the stick after their husbands took off for greener pastures? Or even if they didn’t leave (and many wished they did), how many women found the daily chores of homemaking brain-numbing to the extreme?

Certainly we know the stories of lonely and frustrated suburban women downing cocktails and Valium in their meager stabs at freedom.

Someone needs to bake the cookies.

So why do I keep revisiting this thing called “homemaking” (or, more rightfully, “householding”) in my head? Well, because I believe we threw the baby out with the bath water.

I believe there is much to be found in a life of home stewardship, but to find it, we will have to challenge many of our assumptions and stereotypes. We will have to question our notions of success and how they have been dialed into an otherwise unexamined economic doctrine.

But mostly, I make the case because I am a woman with enough chutzpah to do so. Without a doubt, if this movement gets any traction there will be legions of naysayers to challenge “the right of return” I am calling for. But I am not afraid. I’m butch, and I bake cookies.

I’m a mother and wife, but not because I’m afraid to be otherwise. I am making a case for revisionist gender politics as it relates to homemaking. Some are good at it and some are not, and it has nothing to do with what’s under your skirt (as it were).

Now that I’ve made that clear, I want to connect the dots, or revise the dots:

1. Householding is not a gender-specific act

2. Householding seeks to revise small-scale systems of home economics

3. Householding eschews fast food, fancy packaging, and marketing hype

4. Householding requires a connection with natural systems

5. Householding sees value in the domestic

6. Householding eschews “economies of scale” as maligned systems

7. Householding seeks a healthy environment, family, and community as a barometer of its success

8. Householding refuses the commodification of everyday skills

9. Householding is something I’m trying to understand.

In essence, I am making a call for a return to the home as a political act, an economic stance, and a spiritual movement. I am making a call for a return because we need one. I am making a call because the more creative minds we put to the task, the better the solutions. I am making a call for a return because someone needs to be home when all the “important” work out there is done. Someone needs to meet our children at the door and listen to their stories. Someone needs to create the quiet, safe, and unhurried spaces of our inner lives.

Who shall it be now?

Let me be honest: Sometimes the effort is brain-numbing, but other times (most of the time) it’s infused with the renewed logic of home stewardship and sustainable economics. Certainly our current economic crisis has shown us just how fragile/corrupt the mainstream system is, but we did not need the crash to see it. Not if we wanted to think through it.

These days, when I go to the grocery store I look at products with new eyes. From an anthropological perspective it amazes me to see how effectively they (whoever they are) have turned everything I can do for myself into something they will do for me — for a price.

But what is the price? What has been the price of jobbing out our lives? What has been made of the environment? What has been made of our families? What has been made of our spirits, our economy, and our souls? Those are rhetorical questions, because most of you know the answers.

Certainly some have found themselves returning home for reasons outside their control and are struggling. Others (and their numbers are growing) are making a conscious choice to do so. Whatever the reason, I believe a great opportunity for transformation is upon us.

Creating new economies, home economies, economies based on reasoned and prudent systems of supply, demand, production, and consumption, will take a hands-on, homemade revolution. It will take a stepping-down from the mainstream marketing matrix. It will require a re-evaluation of wants and needs. In the end, it might well require a radical new legion of butch cookie makers to challenge the dominant economic paradigm.

Oh yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.

--------------------------------------------

I've been thinking a lot about my decision to be a stay-at-home-mom lately. What has worked for me, to keep that "brain-numbing" feeling at bay, is to find time to do things that I enjoy, that utilize my skills, and that make me feel whole. I could also say more than "just a mother" but nobody is just a mother. Motherhood isn't "just" anything. It is, as Fasonfest said, a contribution to society. I have found joy in balancing motherhood with a life outside of it. But I have always put my family first. And feel it is close-minded, after all women have been through, for this choice to still be challenged on many levels. Which I find interesting, because also as Fasonfest said, I may not have valued the choice I went on to make without having so many more options open to me than perhaps were open (or at least welcome) to generations before me. I feel more open-minded because I've embraced the possibility that "homemaking" just might be a noble cause. Get around the fact that I have 4 (gasp) kids, and look at the fact that I take pride in what I do, in being a woman for which the world is my oyster. My friend Catherine is working on a dissertation and in her research shared with me that there was a brief movement of cultural feminism in the 70s, in which the nature of a woman was glorified, the idea being that spirituality, intelligence and power emerge from the essence of (undervalued) femininity.

Well put an apron on me and call me Donna!

ETA: A year later the economic aspect of staying at home hits a little closer to home.  It is a huge sacrifice in so many ways to do so.  But I am not complaining.  I still feel certain that not just "householding", but family raising, is a noteworthy contribution to the world.  It's nod is coming, I can feel it.  It's apparent in the growing focus on the father as co-nurturer, it's apparent in the efforts to go green and live a more simple life.  We're slowly getting back to our roots, aren't we?

Somebody needs to bake the cookies.

Check out this article somebody recently shared with me (and tell me what you think in your comments):

It’s funny, the way I get so cerebral about homemaking. You’d think that, after talking to my mom and her friends — now in their 80s — I’d be more down-to-earth about it all. Certainly that’d be the case when I heard what a chore it was and how happy they were when they could finally stop cooking, cleaning, and raising kids (not all did, to be sure, but enough did). Right?

Having been raised in an era of über-options for women, I might never have looked back, never considered homemaking a thing to be valued. Or, at the very least, I would understand the socio-political consequences of relegating any one gender to a life without many translatable career skills. It’s risky, to be sure.

I mean, how many women found themselves on the short end of the stick after their husbands took off for greener pastures? Or even if they didn’t leave (and many wished they did), how many women found the daily chores of homemaking brain-numbing to the extreme?

Certainly we know the stories of lonely and frustrated suburban women downing cocktails and Valium in their meager stabs at freedom.
Someone needs to bake the cookies.

So why do I keep revisiting this thing called “homemaking” (or, more rightfully, “householding”) in my head? Well, because I believe we threw the baby out with the bath water.

I believe there is much to be found in a life of home stewardship, but to find it, we will have to challenge many of our assumptions and stereotypes. We will have to question our notions of success and how they have been dialed into an otherwise unexamined economic doctrine.

But mostly, I make the case because I am a woman with enough chutzpah to do so. Without a doubt, if this movement gets any traction there will be legions of naysayers to challenge “the right of return” I am calling for. But I am not afraid. I’m butch, and I bake cookies.

I’m a mother and wife, but not because I’m afraid to be otherwise. I am making a case for revisionist gender politics as it relates to homemaking. Some are good at it and some are not, and it has nothing to do with what’s under your skirt (as it were).

Now that I’ve made that clear, I want to connect the dots, or revise the dots:

1. Householding is not a gender-specific act
2. Householding seeks to revise small-scale systems of home economics
3. Householding eschews fast food, fancy packaging, and marketing hype
4. Householding requires a connection with natural systems
5. Householding sees value in the domestic
6. Householding eschews “economies of scale” as maligned systems
7. Householding seeks a healthy environment, family, and community as a barometer of its success
8. Householding refuses the commodification of everyday skills
9. Householding is something I’m trying to understand.

In essence, I am making a call for a return to the home as a political act, an economic stance, and a spiritual movement. I am making a call for a return because we need one. I am making a call because the more creative minds we put to the task, the better the solutions. I am making a call for a return because someone needs to be home when all the “important” work out there is done. Someone needs to meet our children at the door and listen to their stories. Someone needs to create the quiet, safe, and unhurried spaces of our inner lives.

Who shall it be now?

Let me be honest: Sometimes the effort is brain-numbing, but other times (most of the time) it’s infused with the renewed logic of home stewardship and sustainable economics. Certainly our current economic crisis has shown us just how fragile/corrupt the mainstream system is, but we did not need the crash to see it. Not if we wanted to think through it.

These days, when I go to the grocery store I look at products with new eyes. From an anthropological perspective it amazes me to see how effectively they (whoever they are) have turned everything I can do for myself into something they will do for me — for a price.

But what is the price? What has been the price of jobbing out our lives? What has been made of the environment? What has been made of our families? What has been made of our spirits, our economy, and our souls? Those are rhetorical questions, because most of you know the answers.

Certainly some have found themselves returning home for reasons outside their control and are struggling. Others (and their numbers are growing) are making a conscious choice to do so. Whatever the reason, I believe a great opportunity for transformation is upon us.

Creating new economies, home economies, economies based on reasoned and prudent systems of supply, demand, production, and consumption, will take a hands-on, homemade revolution. It will take a stepping-down from the mainstream marketing matrix. It will require a re-evaluation of wants and needs. In the end, it might well require a radical new legion of butch cookie makers to challenge the dominant economic paradigm.

Oh yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.

--------------------------------------------

I've been thinking a lot about my decision to be a stay-at-home-mom lately. What has worked for me, to keep that "brain-numbing" feeling at bay, is to find time to do things that I enjoy, that utilize my skills, and that make me feel whole. I could also say more than "just a mother" but nobody is just a mother. Motherhood isn't "just" anything. It is, as Fasonfest said, a contribution to society. I have found joy in balancing motherhood with a life outside of it. But I have always put my family first. And feel it is close-minded, after all women have been through, for this choice to still be challenged on many levels. Which I find interesting, because also as Fasonfest said, I may not have valued the choice I went on to make without having so many more options open to me than perhaps were open (or at least welcome) to generations before me. I feel more open-minded because I've embraced the possibility that "homemaking" just might be a noble cause. Get around the fact that I have 4 (gasp) kids, and look at the fact that I take pride in what I do, in being a woman for which the world is my oyster. My friend Catherine is working on a dissertation and in her research shared with me that there was a brief movement of cultural feminism in the 70s, in which the nature of a woman was glorified, the idea being that spirituality, intelligence and power emerge from the essence of (undervalued) femininity.

Well put an apron on me and call me Donna.

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back

A few weeks ago I received a very nice compliment. I smiled and kind of looked at the floor, shuffled my feet a little and muttered "Aw, thanks" with a half wink for good measure. Afterwards my mind was flooded with a ton of different thoughts, "Phew, I'm doing pretty well", "Wow, do people really see me this way?", "Am I deceiving them?", Great, I'm a phony.", "I hate being made into an example.", "She's right!", "It's about time I got some recognition!". Later I asked my husband, over and over, if he thought I was a genuine person.

So, I got to thinking... how common is it for women to turn away from compliments? Think back to the last time you received a compliment and how you responded. It's in our nature as women, moreso I think as moms, to downplay our accomplishments. And we tend to focus a lot on the negatives - blowing them out of proportion in our minds - when a lot of times those negatives are what make you a better woman. Take, for instance, my insecurity about cooking healthy meals for my children. I float in and out of vigilance in this area, sometimes rationalizing that by the end of the day I really just need to have things be easy (as I guiltily/wearily pull out the macaroni and cheese). While it may not be the dinner of champions, it's one area where I am good at letting go a bit... and letting go does not come very naturally to me. I take a look at the well balanced lunches I send to school and low sugar diet we maintain, and have to call it good on some nights. Thank goodness over all success (say, in motherhood) is not about one event. It's about wanting what's best and doing my best. Sure, I'm capable of that extra 45 minutes over the stove, but I may not be in the mood to kiss anybody good night, which to me is more important.

It's just one small way we neglect ourselves, avoiding compliments. I think it would do us all some good to look at ourselves in the mirror and give ourselves a good pat on the back! Maybe even a few affirmations (which feel silly but really do work) will reposition our thinking, so that the next time we receive a compliment we can actually stand a little taller and say "thank you".

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Txmommy over at Too Many to Count has some beautifully written and very inspiring thoughts for the last Woman to Woman. She did not get a chance to post them until Saturday, so if you get a chance you really should stop by and read it.

I can...

These days, I often find myself short on time and running late. I've been busy; it seems like everyone wants my help with something these days. And I enjoy being the "go to" girl, but I'm not sure I can be her anymore. I've taken my time getting back into my groove since having Sasha, so I'm surpirsed that it's been such a challenge. The truth is, I am finally coming to understand that there are limitations to what I can do. Okay. That sounds a) cocky and b) totally obvious. Of course there is a limit to what I can do. I am human. I've just been slow to realize it.

I have often caught myself thinking of womanhood in terms of "all or nothing". I say womanhood, because I think all of us - with or without children, single or married, career women or not - have this idea that we are either passing or failing. And our definition of "capability" couldn't be more flawed.

We focus so much on what we cannot do, I thought it would be a good idea if we all thought of things we can do. So, ahem. All who would like to participate in this exercise (lurkers please join us:)), add your link below and leave me a comment. Your post should follow this outline:

I can lead the way.
I can make people laugh.
I can make my home a haven from the world.
I can make music.
I can catch a full cup of juice on its way to the floor.
I can catch a child on its way to the floor.
I can inspire others.
I can listen.
I can be the "best mommy in the whole world" without a huge stage production.
I can bake incredible brownies.
I can multi-task.
I can make my husband smile without saying a word.
I can pacify my children.
I can give hope.

Be as serious or funny as you wish!