Warning: Living with a two year old might cause self doubt

Drew was the easiest baby. He rarely cried, was content to entertain himself, went with me everywhere I went, slept great, and on and on. Just a very happy go lucky, jiggy-with-it babe! But toddlerhood with him has been very difficult, even for this zen-minded mama. The word "no" comes so boldly out of his cherub-like face, it startles me... his full pout stays pursed long after the word has escaped and I want to grab him and kiss him! And in that very instant I can describe perfectly what is going on... his cuteness collides with his naughtiness and I am oh so torn over what to do with this "supposed-to-be-my-last-baby-that-I-have-babied-so-muchly".

Look closely... there he is in the middle of this pile of toys he creates almost daily during "naptime". I want those 2 hours reprieve so badly that I still enforce it, and yet I spend a good part of it walking in and placing him back in his bed. He worked on this messy little project for about an hour and a half before his little body just finally gave in to sleep and collapsed right in the middle of the floor. Sigh - this is life anew with my little guy. I could spend all day running after him and cleaning up the messes he creates! Remember this post?

I feel like a novice here, and yet I am not. I know the age two very well: I have four, count them, four children! And yet somehow, this particular child has one up on me! He makes me feel REALLY out of shape. Lol. I'm pretty sure he's the child they had in mind when they invented safety gates. We have one permanently planted out the mouth of our kitchen. And thank heavens there is one room in my home that I don't have to worry about. One room that stays relatively clean all the time. I often think of just moving in there and conducting all my business through the net.

It is amazing how far emotions can swing, especially in a 2 year old. One minute we can be cuddling on the sofa and the next he's crying out that he's hungry, but does not want to eat. Lol! He makes my hormonal shifts look mild. I lay awake many a night feeling like I'm failing. Like this perfectly normal stage of development is a reflection on me.

How is it that we forget what it's like? I said to my husband, "Were the others this difficult?" And he can think of specific instances that I have completely pushed out of my mind. This blessing of selective memory that mothers have? Genius. It is completely responsible for populating the earth.

:)

I am so impressed...

... with the caliber of women we had participate on Tuesday. Reading your entries confirmed that this idea I had of joining perspectives "woman to woman" would be beneficial. I am so grateful that Morning Glory agreed to do this crazy thing with me... I know its success was matched by her ideas and her readership. I hope you all enjoyed reading some new blogs as much as I did. I hope you saw the benefit of being your own self and appreciated the differences of your fellow women as well.

My house is upside down right now. We are in the process of creating a play area for our children, which has meant undoing an entire room and building it back up from the bottom. I am also getting organized and purging while I have the drive. It's been a tiring and fun and tiring week.

In other news, my entry to Scribbit's Write-Away Contest received an honorable mention. You should really go read the other entires and winners. There are some amazing writers out there.

I know it's not often that I leave you with nothing to chew on. I promise I will be back soon with some new thoughts. In the mean time, visit my other blog for some pretty stuff to look at. :)

Woman to Woman: In this skin...

In my mind I am 18 years old. At that time I was heading off to college, and literally toward freedom. Life just took off and it's been a whirlwind ever since. No lulls whatsoever. So it feels as if time stopped right then and there. I still blast my radio and crack open my sunroof. I still enjoy a PB&J once in a while. I can hardly contain myself on Christmas Eve. I find myself saying some of the same catch words I did 14 years ago - "awesome", "cool" and "stoked". I remember prom as if it were yesterday.

The reality of what I see in the mirror, however, tells me that time did not stop. I just lost track of it. And so I have to stop and think when someone asks me how old I am.

32 years. It's just old enough to start seeing some prominent changes, but not old enough to start complaining too much. I have noticed my body is slowing down. I wake up to a few more stiff joints and sore muscles than even just a few years ago. I have stretch marks and other such battle wounds that really bothered me at first glance, but have since become a symbol of love. Things aren't as tone as they once were, but I take good care of myself . So I take all that in stride.

I really look forward to growing older, to entering the "winter of my life", because I have this idea that aging will bring me closer and closer to peace. And I don't look at aging as a physical thing so much as a spiritual thing. I am not insecure the way I was before marriage and motherhood, because there's just no time to waste on vanity. And yet, there is more reason than ever to check my butt over and over, ad nauseum, in the mirror before I leave the house.

I miss the care free college days, and reminisce from time to time, but am grateful not to have to deal with the stresses of breaking into the adult world anymore.

I feel settled. I'm content. There's no concern that I may be missing out on something, because my life has been full. The things I want to accomplish in life have little to do with my physical capabilities. "Climb Mt. Everest" is not on my to-do list before I die. I just want to remain healthy and live long so that I can enjoy the fruits of all my labors.

I can feel that the passing of time has helped me to become more serene over the years. And when I look at pictures of myself, it surprises me how that has become evident in my eyes, in my smile, in my whole countenance, and that although I notice the other not-so-positive physical changes in me, I am more radiant.

I say time has been pretty good to me.

But we'll see how I feel when I hit menopause. ;)

*Everyone participating sign Mr. Linky down here and leave a comment. Then go on over to Seeds From My Garden!

Woman to Woman

Woman to Woman begins tomorrow and will continue to run every 2 weeks on Tuesdays. Our first topic is "In this skin...", in which you will tell us all how aging has affected you personally, your attitude towards it and what you've learned from it.

If you so choose, you may include a button in your post or sidebar. We have two for you to choose from. Let us know via email if you have trouble. The first was designed by Beth, Morning Glory's daughter (of Her Majesty's Throne). The second was designed by Zoe, my very good friend, from Fresh Preserves. Feel free to use either one. Being that we are women with color preferences and such :), we thought it would be fun to have options.


(Please link back to http://seedsfrommygarden.blogspot.com/2007/03/woman-to-woman.html)



(Please link back to http://accordingtolei.blogspot.com/2007/03/woman-to-woman.html)

Here is a tentative writing schedule for you to refer to. Some topics may change, as may their dates. But it will give you an idea of some of the things we'll be exploring. And each topic will be explained in more detail as it is announced.

3/27-Handling children under age 5 at funerals, weddings, concerts, theatre, church and such
4/10-Parenting/grandparenting difficult personalities
4/24-Enduring health problems, either your own or a child's
5/8-TIPS AND TRICKS Getting the family together
5/22-Getting advice from your peers rather than your parents
6/12-Pressure to have the "latest" baby everything
6/26-Share an important quote and what it means to you
7/10-TIPS AND TRICKS Keeping your marriage alive
7/24-Trying to be something/someone you are not
8/14-Dealing with aging parents
8/28-Learning to say "no"
9/11-Overcoming the "people pleaser" syndrome
9/25-TIPS AND TRICKS facing your parenting fears
10/9-A book review TBA
10/23-Dealing with grief
11/13-Being single again
11/27-Infertility
12/11-addictions

See you all tomorrow!

Childhood Memories

*This post was awarded an honorable mention by Scribbit in her March "Write-Away Contest".

I stare at the faces peering back at me. I smell pizza. The lunch bell is going to ring in 30 minutes. I repeat the word I've been given to spell in my mind a couple more times. Goddy. Gawdy? Seriously, how hard can it be to spell gaudy? I feel weak in the knees. This word does not ring a bell. Images of late nights, homemade spelling tests and a variety of dictionaries whiz through my mind. My mother encourages me with her eyes. Although the butterflies are clearly about to fly right out of my mouth I take another minute to compose myself so that I do not stammer. "Goddy, g-o-d-d-y, goddy".

"I'm sorry, that is incorrect."

All the butterflies flop back down into my stomach with a hard thud. I take a step back and sit down. There are only 4 students left. I'd won the 4th grade spelling bee and made it past 40 some odd 5th graders only to lose to the word "gaudy". And now I wouldn't be representing the school in the district spelling bee. Great. Just great.

I avoided my mothers eyes now. I'd disappointed her. And embarassed her. And I wanted nothing more than to disappear and show back up sometime next week when this was but a distant memory.

I don't have a lot of "fond" childhood memories. I came from a home where perfection was demanded and the repercussions of not attaining perfection were what I did not realize was "child abuse" until I was in my 20s. I've used what memories I have left (many have been stifled) to define my approach to motherhood. I feel that the best measure of how well I do as a mother is going to be what my children remember of their childhood. So, I am constantly asking myself, "Do I want them to remember this?" Do I want them to remember losing sleep night after night to the point of nausea to win a spelling bee? Or that I was the fun, spontaneous mom that let them have a camp in?

Thankfully I've chosen not to let ill childhood memories consume me. I am not bitter and I have forgiven my parents. I have instead chosen to find the good part in it all and use it to my advantage. Because of my mother's demands, I have interests and strengths to suit any fancy. And when I'm in desperate need of an outlet, I can choose to dance it out, play it out, or paint it out. I figure that in turn encourages my children to work hard to become good at what they love for themselves.

The curse that was my childhood has become a rare blessing, and because of that my memories have helped me hold onto the things I love. And I can wear them "around my neck like a rainbow, instead of a noose." (Hortense Calisher, Queenie, 1971 )