31 January 2006

time to get real

This is NOT a plug for Dr. Phil. Did he coin that phrase? Or was it that rigged reality show on MTV?:-p Anyway... It's just time for me to loosen up a little; let out some real feelings. I'm feeling single lately. Or as best as I can conjure up a solo mom's life to be like. My ("d" optional)h is on call this week. In all fairness, it's not his fault... so I'll reinstate the "d". I can't remember the last time it was this bad, though. He logged 30 hours or something crazy this weekend alone. Ugh. Anyway, its times like these, when I am on my own, that I become vulnerable... to doubts, old feelings, weaknesses (like shopping :))... and even moreso, unresolved issues. Some things are resurfacing that I'm just not sure how to deal with right now! My father is more like an acquaintance to me these days rather than the one who I had wrapped around my finger the day I was born. Ever since my mom's death he has been distant and removed from my life. He is remarried and has been for a year and a half. This has contributed to the change I've seen. He's no longer the wisecracking, easy going man I grew up with. Granted, these are two personality traits that both did and did not serve him well when he was married to my mother, but I miss them. I miss familiarity, I guess. My life has changed so much over the past 3 years! And being pregnant makes me even more nostalgic. Friends who are pregnant along with me are getting advice and consolation from their parents and extended breaks from their hectic lives so they can rest their weary bodies. They're being doted over and checked upon daily by a loving mother and father. My fondest memories of my mother are when I had my first child, Adriana. She stayed with us for 10 days after Adriana was released from the NICU and took care of both the new mom and the new baby. I cried like a baby myself when it came time for her to leave and return home. I never realized how much I needed her.

I have strong feelings that the child I am carrying may have been one that was meant for my mother. I don't know how this thinking parallels gospel teachings, so I hesitate to give it much voice. But about a week before my ultrasound I had a "waking up" dream... you know, that weird period of time you enter as you leave dreamland. All I remember is that I was being told that I would have the little girl my mother never did. And then I was fully awake. My mother tried for a second girl 4 times and got 3 boys. It was devastating to her when her OB told her she absolutely, positively needed a hysterectomy. I remember consoling her with the fact that I would one day have little girls for her to love. Sadly, Adriana is the only child of mine she really got close to. It was early in Jonah's life that my mother began to deteriorate from her mental and emotional illness. And it was at that time also that I decided that loving her cost too much, as she was unwilling to get the help she so desperately needed.

I guess the only point in this post is to clear my mind. This is the therapeutic part of journalling. It's always been good for me to draw my thoughts out and review them and find the sense in them. And I begin to understand myself a little better!

Screech... I don't know how to end this entry so I am just going to change gears completely. It's the Pollyanna approach.

Today's favorite things:
~how Drew says "Hi, titty titty (kitty)!"
~our new code language in front of the children, which is to spell key words backwards
~making valentines with my children
~this amazing recipe for Cheddar Bacon Mashed Potatoes:
Wash and peel 2 pounds of Yukon potatoes. Cut into 1 1/2 in. cubes and place in a microwave-safe bowl with 1 1/2 c water. Cover with saran wrap and heat on high for 12 min. Drain and mash. Add 1 c buttermilk ranch salad dressing, 1 c shredded cheddar cheese, 8 crumbled slices of bacon and 4 chopped green onions. Stir to combine.
~Sonic's new smoothies
~my sisters-in-law
~Keedo's Winter Clearance Sale
~a happy, considerate dh who brought home Haagen-Dazs


Taffi said...

(hugs) Lei! It's always hard to adapt to changes in those we love most... especially when we're pregnant! :-)

emlouisa said...

Oh, Lei. I am sorry that you are missing your mom and missing your dad for that matter. I understand the whole Parents Changing thing and it is hard.

I think it is totally awesome that you feel like you are having the little girl your mom never did. What a special blessing!

love, Em

Rachelle said...

Hugs! I'm so sorry you are missing that parent in your life. And thank you for sharing that feeling about your girl. What a special experience!

Andrea said...

You almost made me cry!! ((hugs))

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