time to get real

This is NOT a plug for Dr. Phil. Did he coin that phrase? Or was it that rigged reality show on MTV?:-p Anyway... It's just time for me to loosen up a little; let out some real feelings. I'm feeling single lately. Or as best as I can conjure up a solo mom's life to be like. My ("d" optional)h is on call this week. In all fairness, it's not his fault... so I'll reinstate the "d". I can't remember the last time it was this bad, though. He logged 30 hours or something crazy this weekend alone. Ugh. Anyway, its times like these, when I am on my own, that I become vulnerable... to doubts, old feelings, weaknesses (like shopping :))... and even moreso, unresolved issues. Some things are resurfacing that I'm just not sure how to deal with right now! My father is more like an acquaintance to me these days rather than the one who I had wrapped around my finger the day I was born. Ever since my mom's death he has been distant and removed from my life. He is remarried and has been for a year and a half. This has contributed to the change I've seen. He's no longer the wisecracking, easy going man I grew up with. Granted, these are two personality traits that both did and did not serve him well when he was married to my mother, but I miss them. I miss familiarity, I guess. My life has changed so much over the past 3 years! And being pregnant makes me even more nostalgic. Friends who are pregnant along with me are getting advice and consolation from their parents and extended breaks from their hectic lives so they can rest their weary bodies. They're being doted over and checked upon daily by a loving mother and father. My fondest memories of my mother are when I had my first child, Adriana. She stayed with us for 10 days after Adriana was released from the NICU and took care of both the new mom and the new baby. I cried like a baby myself when it came time for her to leave and return home. I never realized how much I needed her.

I have strong feelings that the child I am carrying may have been one that was meant for my mother. I don't know how this thinking parallels gospel teachings, so I hesitate to give it much voice. But about a week before my ultrasound I had a "waking up" dream... you know, that weird period of time you enter as you leave dreamland. All I remember is that I was being told that I would have the little girl my mother never did. And then I was fully awake. My mother tried for a second girl 4 times and got 3 boys. It was devastating to her when her OB told her she absolutely, positively needed a hysterectomy. I remember consoling her with the fact that I would one day have little girls for her to love. Sadly, Adriana is the only child of mine she really got close to. It was early in Jonah's life that my mother began to deteriorate from her mental and emotional illness. And it was at that time also that I decided that loving her cost too much, as she was unwilling to get the help she so desperately needed.

I guess the only point in this post is to clear my mind. This is the therapeutic part of journalling. It's always been good for me to draw my thoughts out and review them and find the sense in them. And I begin to understand myself a little better!

Screech... I don't know how to end this entry so I am just going to change gears completely. It's the Pollyanna approach.

Today's favorite things:
~how Drew says "Hi, titty titty (kitty)!"
~our new code language in front of the children, which is to spell key words backwards
~making valentines with my children
~this amazing recipe for Cheddar Bacon Mashed Potatoes:
Wash and peel 2 pounds of Yukon potatoes. Cut into 1 1/2 in. cubes and place in a microwave-safe bowl with 1 1/2 c water. Cover with saran wrap and heat on high for 12 min. Drain and mash. Add 1 c buttermilk ranch salad dressing, 1 c shredded cheddar cheese, 8 crumbled slices of bacon and 4 chopped green onions. Stir to combine.
~Sonic's new smoothies
~my sisters-in-law
~Keedo's Winter Clearance Sale
~a happy, considerate dh who brought home Haagen-Dazs

in 100 words or less...

... this is me, I guess!

Wanna try? http://www.snapshirts.com/custom.php will create one for you based on your blog!

Thanks for the idea, Shelah!

this woman's work

Drew has learned how to help us pick up toys. We start singing the infamous Barney song and he, in all his adorableness, knows exactly what to do.

Jonah is learning how to say prayers without any help. Tonight at Family Home Evening, for the first time, he got through from beginning to end all by himself.

Adriana is reading so well now that she's taken over bedtime story time! In Kindergarten (last year) she needed the assistance program, but this past grading period she scored the highest in her class on sight words.

My point is not to brag about my amazing kids, but to relish in these seemingly small, yet hugely validating moments that just make your heart soar. Making chores seem fun, enduring evaluation after evaluation and fighting to get your child into a speech therapy preschool program, cutting and pasting words all over your walls... it all comes back one hundred fold.

Whoever said motherhood is a thankless job? ;)

other stuff I've made

taggies -
distressed furniture -

scrapbooks-

bags from sheets -

children's clothing and accessories-

cards and announcements-

desperate housewife?

Today went well considering my 3 little piggies had to stay couped up in my bedroom all morning. I waited until my children were fast asleep last night to work my magic and decorate for this mornings' shower. I hung cute little hearted lanterns and scattered red balloons across the floor, placed heart cut-outs and black and white pictures of children in loving poses on the food table. It was a Valentine wonderland, I tell ya! Then all night long I had visions of said piggies sneaking downstairs before me and doing a little rearranging! I imagined an episode with Lynette's boys in my home... carefully placing smears of jam behind frames and living things under pillows. After making sure all evidence of my children had been painstakingly disposed of (read: hide all playthings and clean all surfaces), I was having none of that. So I woke my dear husband at 1 am after I had completed my mission and gave him explicit instructions to head off the little oinkers the minute they peeped this morning... Everyone complied and hey, my fellow desperate housewives and I only heard a *few* blood curdling screams above our cheery party chatter.

1 Large picnic blanket on my bedroom floor+a dozen Krispy Kreme dohnuts+2 hours tv time=one great girls morning out.

valentine art

I'm a holiday decorator - not a tacky one, though. So get those images of bows and crap out of your mind. Right now. Valentine's Day is coming and I have seen so much great art (particularly in the Sundance catalog). It's all out of my price range and it's not fun to buy someone else's creations anyway. I am a capable woman. So, here's what I came up with for my front door today. It so happens that I am hosting a shower tomorrow morning (remember those diversions I was talking about?). I am therefore working feverishly to perfect my home's appearance in every little corner, thinking of new ways to display things, bringing out new colors of candles, rearranging furniture... okay, kidding. But I really love to entertain and I love having people in my home and sharing my home. Some would call it an obssession. Like, everyone I know, maybe.

boy or girl?

Well, we had an ultrasound this morning! And I am pleased to announce that we're getting our girl. 2 boys and 2 girls. Perfection. Name choices are Sasha Olivia (in the lead), Ava Grace and Hannah Libby (family name). Feel free to cast your vote!

The main purpose for the ultrasound was to find out why I have been bleeding intermittently for about 7 weeks now. A very small subchorionic bleed was already found a month ago. They focused more on where blood was flowing in my placenta this time. Not much luck. I have an odd shape to my placenta and there is some fluid inside, but not blood. It is low lying, but not over my cervix. The only possibility is an area where the membranes seem to be elevated/separated from the lining of my uterus. The best we can do is keep an eye on it! The baby is getting what it needs to grow well, so no worries right now. Can you say relief?

Now I shop! Lol. I saved just a few worthwhile things from my oldest, but almost 7 years have passed and they have been worn a second time by a cousin. So there just may need to be a supplemental wardrobe. Or two. I will also need to (and I'm quite sad about this part) consider a new color scheme and decor for the nursery. It is my pride and joy with it's cute stenciled checker border and original artwork. Although, blue and green dogs might develop some character girls nowadays struggle to find. Hmmm...

getting warmed up

So here it begins... I have been contemplating this for weeks. Blogging, that is. I once believed strongly in journalling for its therapeutic benefits and for its influence in the lives of those who might choose to read it. But I haven't consistently written my thoughts on paper in years. Since everything else seems to be gravitating towards the more convenient way of computers, I thought I'd see how this goes. Or where it goes, for that matter.

Life has its ups and downs, twists and turns. I figure if I have survived, I must be strong, so I am happy even with the challenges that hit me fairly regularly. These days I seem to be seriously focused on my relationship with my father, my unborn baby, and maintaining balance in my life. When I get overwhelmed I like the diversion of a good project... maybe purging a closet or making something for my home or planning/hosting an event. What really gets me through, though, is that I believe in all that I am doing with my life. And so I want to keep a record of it.

Introduction

I am still looking for a voice for this blog. Until I do, my writing will be stream of consciousness, touching on everything from my pregnancy to family and/or circus life (depending on the day) to creative undertakings to professional endeavors. Bear with me and my many colored days!