time to get real

This is NOT a plug for Dr. Phil. Did he coin that phrase? Or was it that rigged reality show on MTV?:-p Anyway... It's just time for me to loosen up a little; let out some real feelings. I'm feeling single lately. Or as best as I can conjure up a solo mom's life to be like. My ("d" optional)h is on call this week. In all fairness, it's not his fault... so I'll reinstate the "d". I can't remember the last time it was this bad, though. He logged 30 hours or something crazy this weekend alone. Ugh. Anyway, its times like these, when I am on my own, that I become vulnerable... to doubts, old feelings, weaknesses (like shopping :))... and even moreso, unresolved issues. Some things are resurfacing that I'm just not sure how to deal with right now! My father is more like an acquaintance to me these days rather than the one who I had wrapped around my finger the day I was born. Ever since my mom's death he has been distant and removed from my life. He is remarried and has been for a year and a half. This has contributed to the change I've seen. He's no longer the wisecracking, easy going man I grew up with. Granted, these are two personality traits that both did and did not serve him well when he was married to my mother, but I miss them. I miss familiarity, I guess. My life has changed so much over the past 3 years! And being pregnant makes me even more nostalgic. Friends who are pregnant along with me are getting advice and consolation from their parents and extended breaks from their hectic lives so they can rest their weary bodies. They're being doted over and checked upon daily by a loving mother and father. My fondest memories of my mother are when I had my first child, Adriana. She stayed with us for 10 days after Adriana was released from the NICU and took care of both the new mom and the new baby. I cried like a baby myself when it came time for her to leave and return home. I never realized how much I needed her.

I have strong feelings that the child I am carrying may have been one that was meant for my mother. I don't know how this thinking parallels gospel teachings, so I hesitate to give it much voice. But about a week before my ultrasound I had a "waking up" dream... you know, that weird period of time you enter as you leave dreamland. All I remember is that I was being told that I would have the little girl my mother never did. And then I was fully awake. My mother tried for a second girl 4 times and got 3 boys. It was devastating to her when her OB told her she absolutely, positively needed a hysterectomy. I remember consoling her with the fact that I would one day have little girls for her to love. Sadly, Adriana is the only child of mine she really got close to. It was early in Jonah's life that my mother began to deteriorate from her mental and emotional illness. And it was at that time also that I decided that loving her cost too much, as she was unwilling to get the help she so desperately needed.

I guess the only point in this post is to clear my mind. This is the therapeutic part of journalling. It's always been good for me to draw my thoughts out and review them and find the sense in them. And I begin to understand myself a little better!

Screech... I don't know how to end this entry so I am just going to change gears completely. It's the Pollyanna approach.

Today's favorite things:
~how Drew says "Hi, titty titty (kitty)!"
~our new code language in front of the children, which is to spell key words backwards
~making valentines with my children
~this amazing recipe for Cheddar Bacon Mashed Potatoes:
Wash and peel 2 pounds of Yukon potatoes. Cut into 1 1/2 in. cubes and place in a microwave-safe bowl with 1 1/2 c water. Cover with saran wrap and heat on high for 12 min. Drain and mash. Add 1 c buttermilk ranch salad dressing, 1 c shredded cheddar cheese, 8 crumbled slices of bacon and 4 chopped green onions. Stir to combine.
~Sonic's new smoothies
~my sisters-in-law
~Keedo's Winter Clearance Sale
~a happy, considerate dh who brought home Haagen-Dazs

in 100 words or less...

... this is me, I guess!

Wanna try? http://www.snapshirts.com/custom.php will create one for you based on your blog!

Thanks for the idea, Shelah!

this woman's work

Drew has learned how to help us pick up toys. We start singing the infamous Barney song and he, in all his adorableness, knows exactly what to do.

Jonah is learning how to say prayers without any help. Tonight at Family Home Evening, for the first time, he got through from beginning to end all by himself.

Adriana is reading so well now that she's taken over bedtime story time! In Kindergarten (last year) she needed the assistance program, but this past grading period she scored the highest in her class on sight words.

My point is not to brag about my amazing kids, but to relish in these seemingly small, yet hugely validating moments that just make your heart soar. Making chores seem fun, enduring evaluation after evaluation and fighting to get your child into a speech therapy preschool program, cutting and pasting words all over your walls... it all comes back one hundred fold.

Whoever said motherhood is a thankless job? ;)

other stuff I've made

taggies -
distressed furniture -

scrapbooks-

bags from sheets -

children's clothing and accessories-

cards and announcements-

desperate housewife?

Today went well considering my 3 little piggies had to stay couped up in my bedroom all morning. I waited until my children were fast asleep last night to work my magic and decorate for this mornings' shower. I hung cute little hearted lanterns and scattered red balloons across the floor, placed heart cut-outs and black and white pictures of children in loving poses on the food table. It was a Valentine wonderland, I tell ya! Then all night long I had visions of said piggies sneaking downstairs before me and doing a little rearranging! I imagined an episode with Lynette's boys in my home... carefully placing smears of jam behind frames and living things under pillows. After making sure all evidence of my children had been painstakingly disposed of (read: hide all playthings and clean all surfaces), I was having none of that. So I woke my dear husband at 1 am after I had completed my mission and gave him explicit instructions to head off the little oinkers the minute they peeped this morning... Everyone complied and hey, my fellow desperate housewives and I only heard a *few* blood curdling screams above our cheery party chatter.

1 Large picnic blanket on my bedroom floor+a dozen Krispy Kreme dohnuts+2 hours tv time=one great girls morning out.