02 July 2006

The Bathroom - Man's Portal Into Another World

As I wracked my brain for one last measly baby project to work on this past week, the thought occured to me (or an MOF, to be honest) to paint Sasha's closet door like a window into a fantasy world. It has yet to be completed, but provides a nice metaphor for today's post. For men, the bathroom seems to be a portal into some private world. A quiet place to get away and relax. For at least 30 minutes. In fact, it's a given that he'll be gone that long when he says "Honey, I'm going to go use the bathroom." Really, there would be no need to announce it if it weren't going to be such a big deal for him. Like, a treat or reward for being gone at the office all day. With how much time my husband spends in the "John" (see it's even named after a man), I wonder if he saves it all up for the minute he walks in the door, before I get my chance to unload on him.

Does your husband disappear for long periods of time to do his "business" like mine does? Is he also smart enough to find the furthest bathroom from where the hullabaloo is when he goes? Upstairs, master bedroom. Always. There's a bathroom just inside the garage door entrance that he walks by every evening. And another one at the top of the stairs. Nope, we want the suite at the end of the hall in the back of the house where you can't hear a dadgum thing. :) I, on the other hand, rarely get the chance to use my beautiful purple and sage green bathroom that I so thoughtfully decorated.

And are your children somehow trained to leave the husband be while he reads poops? Is there an unwritten rule that children must follow Mommy into the bathroom or is that just what happens in my house? Why oh why have we not learned from our counterparts how to properly use our time in the bathroom? Seriously. We rush through our business at lightening speed, sometimes without even closing the door all the way. I have learned to lock the door most of the time. Because having company sitting at the table just outside of it does not, I repeat, does not deter your children from barging in on you and revealing your nakedness in all its glory. But locking often leads to knocking. Incessant knocking. And whining.

Ladies, I think we must be missing out on something big here. I mean, I don't sit and watch my husband do his business in the bathroom, but I am pretty sure something miraculous must be happening in there for him to love it so much. And if it weren't for the aftersmell, I might even think there really was a portal in there somewhere.

Men also seem to have the showering thing downpat. I don't know about your significant other, but mine takes way longer time to shower than I do. And it's never rushed by queries for cereal or tattle taling. Or worrying about whether there has been a cereal catastrophe or reason to tattle that needs your immediate attention. "Calgon take me away?" Totally should have been designed for a man.

Conclusion: There's no such thing as "getting away". for a woman. in a bathroom.

For example, take my bath this morning. The minute the water is turned on, my 4 yr. old is right by my side. How does he do that? I already mentioned how far away our bathroom is.

And the 3rd degree: "What are you doing?" "Why?" "Are you going to use bubbles, Mommy?" "Which bubbles, Mommy?" "Oh, l like the purple bubbles." "Let me wash you, Mommy." "What's THAT, Mommy?" And of course, your husband doesn't hear you screaming his name at the top of your lungs. Because where is he? In front of the computer (the other portal to ignorant bliss) with headphones on "watching the children for you so you can get some down time". Or in my case, so you can contract in peace.

That brings me to my weekly update. On Friday my OB said that Sasha was at +2 station. You heard me right. And here I sit, very pregnant, in front of my laptop. :) Am I complaining? I'm not sure, lol. I thought I'd reached a state of contentment over this, but the mind really is a powerful thing. I can't get over the likelihood of her falling out when she is 2 inches from crowning. Rofl.

Both yesterday and today I have had some bloody show. My contractions are strong and applying adequate pressure to everything "down there". :) I have some good cramping going on as well. And am sure this has all lead to dilating further than the 2 I was on Friday. My hope is that I arrive at the hospital at 6 or 7 cm and am done in just a couple hours.

Let's have some fun. Maybe there will even be a PRIZE! Oooooh, now I've gotcha. ;) Would anyone like to guess how much longer Sasha will hang on (to whatever there is left to hang on to in there)? Oh, and how much she will weigh? 3 weeks ago our ultrasound showed her measuring 6 lbs. 11 oz. On your mark, get set, go!

43 comments:

Morning Glory said...

I guess 4th of July in time for the fireworks. 6 lbs, 13 oz.

Isn't the bathroom thing just the craziest?? When my husband leaves the room with book in hand, I know where he's going.

Jane said...

Oh Lei for your sake I hope she comes soon, but I am going to guess July 5th 7 lbs 2 oz.

And same story here... bathroom break for mom and dad are not equal.

sheri said...

I'm going with tonight (only cuz I love ya) and 7lb 10oz.

And you hit the nail on the head w/that bathroom stuff!!

Char said...

He he he. And why is it that BC got up for his 7:30 meeting today at 7:15 and was totally on time but I got up BEFORE him and was late for 9:00 choir practice?

I guess July 3rd. 8lbs even.

Nettie said...

July 6th, not because I'm hoping things continue to prolong, but because the closer days were taken. 7 1lbs 4 oz.

And I actually don't envy the man bathroom reading time. Have you ever really tried it? There are definitely more comfortable places to hide and read!

JD said...

O Man this one hurt to read cause I am laughin so hard!! I can't tell you how many time I have wondered how my husband's butt doesn't drip to a point cause he has been on the JOHN so long.

jd said...

The song "Let's get it started" by BLack eye PEas started me into labor. I started really dancing like a mad woman. Shook the baby loose! I feel for you.

beth said...

ok, I'm thinking 7 lbs. 3 oz. in the wee hours of July 6th.

And I swear to you, my husband walks in from work and the FIRST thing he says is,"I gotta go to the bathroom." And then it's like he never even came home yet.

Linked to you by the way - gotta keep updated on Sasha's descent.

LammyAnn said...

I would have to guess.... July 7th (not because I wish it for you.. but mostly because what you are going through, happend to me with my last baby---and she came much later than I thought she would.)
I'll go with 7lbs 11 oz.

Zoe said...

I guess tonight!

Lei, the bathroom thing is sooooo funny and true! Myles has taken to trying to wipe me . . . yes, not something a grown women is proud to share but none-the-less, something that happens when you are a momma.

LammyAnn said...

PS: I hope I'm wrong and that you go early!

Doulabean said...

I say July 3rd and 8lbs 1oz.


And YES on the showers! I will be taking a nice shower for say.....30 seconds....when my kids barge in asking for something like cereal. I always reply, "ASK YOUR DAD! He's already in the kitchen even!" Geez!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Early tomorrow morning - 7#6 (my birth weight).

I hear you about men in the bathroom. Hubby likes to "read" too. Maybe it's something physiological... I don't even want to go there but maybe there's a reason why we need less time than they do.

Allie said...

I say July 4th, too.

You seem to be in good spirits. I remember when I was in pre-labor with agonizing contractions, I was miserable. I kept whining about how I wanted this baby out of me.

I'm so excited for you. :) Beautiful Sasha will be here soon.

Valarie said...

July 6th, 8lb 5 oz.

I think I'm glad to not have a husband who lingers in the bathroom.

Gina said...

Hopefully she is 7lbs or less... best wishes for a smooth delivery!

I loved this post! So true! I really enjoyed reading about our men's get away portals. I can't say my man takes a long shower though... his is like 5 min flat, but I understand about everything else.

I especially liked this part, "...if it weren't for the aftersmell, I might even think there really was a portal in there somewhere."

The Daring One said...

July 5th, 7lbs 5oz. I'm glad I'm not the only one whose kids like to "wash me" in the tub. Laylee also likes to come in when I go potty "so I don't get scared."

Carrie ~ ckbraveheart said...

It must be a portal! Maybe that's where they converge to discuss taking over the world?

My husband likes to take his laptop in with him. He could stay in there all day, if only we'd put a fridge in there.

Cmommy said...

I say July 5, early morning, before dawn...8lbs. 11oz.

One of my fav children's books is "Five Minutes Peace"; the elephant children follow mommy into the tub!

Lei, thanks for the link :-) I am delighted to be your friend! Chrissy

smartmama said...

oh i share the bathroom thoughts-- I always get nailed by flying toys in the bath- so sad we missed you-thanks to crazy sasha

modernmama said...

You're right Lei--bathroom time is definitely not the same for mom and dad!
And my guess for baby Sasha is July 4th--7 1/2 pounds! Good luck! I'm so excited for you!

Gabriela said...

I love this post Lei! My husband always asks me when I exit the bathroom, "you're done alreay?". Everything you said is SO true. My kids are always with me, in the bathroom, in the shower, dressing, EVERYWHERE. I'm not saying I don't love them, but a little alone time in the bathroom would be nice!!

7 lbs 3 oz July 4th. Good luck!

Stephanie said...

I am going with 7 lbs 12 ozs. I hope you have had her by the time you read this.

On the potty issue, when we built our current house, the one thing that my DH required (besides A LOT of cement so he wouldn't have to mow) was an upgraded toilet. In our master bath is a Toto. You've got it, the one toilet that can flush a frozen pizza. At the Northern Utah Parade of Homes, in one of the bathrooms my DH saw a rack similar to a ladder that held magazines, you would have thought he would have died and gone to Heaven. THAT is MY next project, for his b-day. Nice.

amerimeximadre said...

I'm guessing July 4th (but just barely... like 30+ min after midnight) 8 lbs 12 oz and 21" long.

I'm funny huh?!

Congrats on the baby!!

ShelahBooksIt said...

Huh, Deanna. My guess is exactly the same! ;) Congrats, Lei!!!!

Char said...

Yay! It looks like Sasha is here! Congratulations to you and your family!

lackrik said...

YAY Sasha!

And I'm there with you about the bathroom. Dh always asks me why I don't read anymore like I used to. Just because he can lock himself in the bathroom and plough through 500 page novels in 3 days sitting on the toilet. I don't get that luxury. That's why.

I think we should name the man's bathroom the "Portal Potty". lol

Kristen said...

Lei, I sooo could have written this post myself. For reals.

Hope you've had that baby by the time you read your comments! :-)

Tigersue said...

Since you haven't posted a thing since the 2nd, I'm so hoping it is because that little one is here!

ubercyl said...

I'm betting Sasha has arrived by now!

The Mother Load said...

7lbs 2 oz July 5th!
I just pray it's soon! Wishing you well!

Valarie said...

Congrats, Lei and family! I just saw on Emily's blog that Sasha is here.

Jane said...

Congrats again!
I can't wait to see pictures of Sasha!!

(sorry not very patient am I?)

Nettie said...

Is it true? Is she here? I saw it on Emily's blog, too. But, I was hoping for visual confirmation! Congrats!

Sunny said...

Congratualtions Lei & Baby Sasha! We had fireworks in your honor :)

And I hear you on men not having the same experience in the bathroom as us. DH locks the door, turns up music, and disapears. I have kids walking in to chat with me, or fingers wiggling under the door yelling "hey mom!". Certainly not fair, lol!

Zoe said...

Lei!!! I am dying here!!!! How come everyone else knows something that I don't!!!!!!!!!!! I must see herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Congratulations! (I hope that she is here . . . right, I mean, that is what everyone is saying!?)

QueenMeadow said...

Thinking of you. Can't wait to hear how you and little Sasha are doing :) (assuming she's here since I'm out of the loop, hehe)

Nicole said...

Lei, I just stumbled onto your blog, and let me tell you sister you are HILLARIOUS! I have often wondered what the deal is with that bathroom thing. Anyway good luck, I'm sure that babe will show up soon.

Stacy said...

I know man who calls it his "hour of power". And he MEANS an hour!

However, my mom used to go in the bathroom to lock us kids OUT so she could have a moment to think and regroup.

(I'm coming in late, so I already know she's here!)

Jane said...

Lei--

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and Sasha. I miss you and hope that you are doing okay.

((hugs))

JD said...

Hey This is JD over at Tripping over Cobblestone. I awarded you the FLip up award. So when you get back! CONGRATS!!

If you would like the code just shoot me an email.

Jankifer@msn.com

utmommy said...

I haven't visited you for a while. I hope you're doing good. Good luck with everything. And, I totally hear you on the bathroom thing. I always have visitors with me. Soo fun:)

Melissa said...

oh how I wish to pee by myself! LOL!!!