10 May 2006

My apologies...

Yeah, I missed Wild Card Wednesday. I'm sorry! I just wasn't in the bloggin' mood. Remember, I am in the nesting mood. :)

But I do want some feedback from those of you who may have caught Oprah yesterday. If you'd like to share. Nicely, of course. I had some pretty strong reactions to Oprah's desperate attempt at justifying her personal issues with marriage. But their were some truths spoken as well.

I did not agree that becoming one in marriage means losing onesself. It is my belief rather that a successful marriage is built on oneness - not oneness as in one becoming like the other, but oneness as in teamwork; oneness in purpose. I also did not agree that it is a "shrinking woman" that considers her spouse's needs to be a high priority. I do not come from a "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" standpoint here. I am all about bringing your true self to your marriage (one good point that was made in the show). I also agree that you should speak your mind and voice your opinions and have an identity.

Now... go on with your smart selves and tell me your thoughts on this!

22 comments:

Julie said...

I was going to blog about that Oprah show. But I don't know if my words can do justice to my feelings and to what needs to be said. Oprah just does not get marriage, does she? "That is exactly why I did not get married" - because she was afraid of losing herself? A healthy marriage is when two whole people enter into a partnership and help each other grow even more, discover more, learn more, become more. Good grief, Oprah.

And really, it appears that Oprah is living a life with her boyfriend/partner that mimics marriage without the paper. So how is living a "married life" without the official blessing and document protecting her from losing herself? Color me confused.

ubercyl said...

I pretty much agree with you. I hate "Jerry Maguire" because of that whole "you complete me" garbage. I complete myself, and it wouldn't be a good marriage if I didn't. We can work towards oneness, but it's not two halves coming together to make a whole--it's two wholes coming together to make a strong, eternal family.

Nettie said...

Isn't it funny that a woman who is obviously smart in other ways hasn't figured out what marriage is really all about? Her logic makes no sense. It is because of the love and support of my husband that I can become the best me I can be. And vice versa. Sometimes to find yourself, you must lose yourself!

Pattie said...

I have to tell you, in a rare moment I was actually able to sit down and watch Oprah, and I saw the show you are referring to.
I thought it was well done.
I personally did not experience that when I married my husband. We were individuals who came together and supported each other. It worked out beautifully.
However, I can easily see how some women "lose" themselves in their marriage by trying to be "pleasing" I have seen it happen to many women I know.
I will tell you that after the birth of my third child, I felt overwhelmed, but I didn't want to tell anyone, including my husband. I guess it was that "Superwoman" and "Pleasing" syndrome rearing it's ugly head. I suffered in silence for almost two years. One day my husband said "I just want my wife back." WHOA! I changed my tune really fast.I was going down the wrong path. So, I did identify a little bit with what they were saying.

smartmama said...

i have never felt freer or more complete as a woman - as i have since i married smart dad- i believ that context of eternal commitment is the ultimate ground for development of self

Zoe said...

Lei- don't even get me started on Oprah!! While I do still enjoy watching some Oprah episodes (the uplifting/informative ones) I really do feel like Oprah is turning into another sly tool of the adversary. Isn't that terrible for me to say!? I think that, just like Rosie O'Donnell, Oprah has a lot of influence on people every where. She is in our homes almost daily and alot of people respect her opinions. However, she is slowly starting to toe the line on issues like marriage, homosexuality, pregnancy, ect. It is very subtle b/c I think that people would go into shock if she let it all go at once. So, be wary . . . that is my opinion!!

Zoe said...

ps- I want to see some of YOUR belly pictures!! :)

s'mee said...

1st time here -thanks LDS chicks

I have to agree with Zoe, I find that Oprah is becoming more and more influential in the things that I feel are wrong. (I am sure she is worried about what *I* think! lol) I find her almost fascinated on porn for instance. One day she will have high profile celebs like Jay Leno saying porn is normal and guys just use it for fun, yada yada and she AGREES and laughs at all the jokes; the next she'll have someone on who says it is the lead role in child molestation and all that goes with that road; agreement ensues and is backed up with a reward of cash for nailing a molester. The offer of reward gains her accolades, however everyone forgets she laughed at the porn jokes in the first place.

I feel deep down she still has her own issues and those issues keep her from really liking men in general. Marriage isn't about losing yourself to anyone, she is afraid she will be out of control.

This is also a feminist issue. Many (not all) feminists complain about how men control them in this arena or that. Since when does a strong woman allow anyone to make her decisions?

I digress. Lovely blog, got me thinkin', I 'll check back often!

ShelahBooksIt said...

She doesn't get marriage at all-- and because of that, it's probably better for everyone involved that she doesn't get married. I think it would mess with her head too much, even though the day-to-day aspects of her life probably wouldn't change too much.

I've been with my husband for 13 years. We met and started dating when we were 18-- so it's really hard for me to say that I had to lose part of myself to be with him-- I feel like we grew up together in a lot of ways. If we had met and fallen in love in our thirties, maybe it would have been a different story, but I love that we have such a long and rich shared history.

Rachelle said...

I think marriage completes you. I feel more myself and more completed being married than I did before. I'm an insecure person and having one person who loves me unconditionally helps me be more secure and have more self esteem. We grow together. He supports me and I support him. I don't think I have lost anything. I think I have gained.

shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

Oh, man--I was so angry about this that I COULDN'T blog about it, because I knew I'd just go on a rant. But it's sad, really, how far off the mark she was. It's SO possible to be in a happy, whole marriage in which you feel valued and comleted--"even if" you're "just" a stay-at-home mom.

Thank you for kinds words on my blog today, Lei.

Gabriela said...

Sorry, I think I am one of the few freaks that does not like Oprah. I don't know why, she just bugs me.

But, on the topic, I love being married and don't feel like I am less of an individual person for it.

Stephanie said...

I didn't see this episode. I am glad that I didn't. I probably would have slandered Oprah all over the internet. I agree 100% with Zoe & S'mee. These people go with the flow of Hollywood. It seems to me that they are the ones who have lost themselves. There are no original opinions in there, just the newest sin of Sod0m...whoops, I mean Hollywood. If you dare to have a conservative opinion or one that doesn’t comply with the UCL@, you had better watch it.

I love being married. It has its ups and its downs. No one made me get married; no one makes me stay married. I am married because I love my husband and I choose to make a life with him. I have not lost myself in the process. Quite the opposite. I think I have found out how strong I really am and what I am really made of. These are things that I would have never learned about myself had I not married.

Marriage is not for all people. It is a very unselfish thing to do. It is a huge leap of faith followed by tremendous amounts of work and sacrifice. But the rewards are incredible and eternal. Maybe Oprah isn't as strong as she pretends she is.

Carrie said...

I did not see the episode, but all I can say is that I LOVE being married. My hubby is the best and I have grown so much since I got married and become a better person because of it. I will not add much as everyone else seems to have done a good job. Boy, if I had seen the show, it sounds like I might have been steamin a bit by the end of it.

momofalltrades said...

I'm glad you blogged about this. I saw it too and I think their perception is just badly skewed. The best lies are 90% truth. I believe there are a great many women out there who do give so much to their marriage that they stop doing some of the things that made them happy, and look around and think "When did I 'lose myself'? Mercy me, I need a divorce so I can 'find' myself" when what they really need to be asking is "When did I start forgetting to take care of myself? Man, I need to put myself first once in a while, I bet that will improve my marriage." The difference is subtle, but profound in spirit. I totally agree with the comments made with regard to feeling more complete as a married woman, AND, I've also had that lightbulb moment of realizing I need to make time to do things just for me, no one asked me to be superwoman, I put that on myself, so I can hardly go around feeling like a martyr. So I guess I understand what they were driving at, but the presentation was from the standpoint of a group of women with failed commitments and a shallow understanding of matrimony as a whole. I dislike Oprah's show more times than not because she is forever thumping her black sufferage, feminist, socialist agenda down her viewers throats. She should stick to shows about makeovers, people who've overcome incredible trials, showing us her stuff and giving her money away to people who need it more than her.

Andrea said...

You can lose yourself in marriage if you let yourself. But the 'act' of marriage doesn't make it happen. Does that make sense? I'm glad i have someone who loves me enough to stick with me through thick and thin and will still love me. Its a huge boost to know that. I didn't see the Oprah show. I don't watch her anymore and we are way behind in episodes anyhow!

lazymama said...

I did not see the show but i do agree with all that you wrote. I feel sorry for Oprah. I would not want to e her.

Amber said...

Some people have made fun of me for 'boycotting' Oprah. I'm so glad to hear people that feel the same way about her as I do. I think that she does do lots of good- in her own way. But I think that it's the 'sugar' to make us forget about the damage to the family.

It's so subtle, and that's the danger.

I got fed up and stopped watching her show (which up until that point I was watching daily) when she was interviewing the cast of Shrek 2. She was talking with Cameron Diaz about if she was going to marry her latest boy toy and cameron Diaz said she didn't think that it was necessary and that as a society we were 'evolving past that'. Oprah kept agreeing and said how 'outdated' marriage was.

She doesn't agree with/stand for the most fundamental of my beliefs, the cornerstone of my life. I think that she's out of touch with 'regular' people- although she doesn't like to admit it.

I could go on- but I'll not. She's not my favorite person. I love being married (most days :P) and think she's fooling herself if she thinks that you can't be married and be yourself. I'm just glad she's chosen a childfree life if she's not going to be married.

Morning Glory said...

I think it takes two really thoughtful, loving, giving people to be able to make a marriage work. The more we give to each other, the more focused we become on a common goal. I've been married for almost 36 years and neither of us has lost our identity. Oprah just doesn't get it. It has to stop being "all about me" for a real marriage to work.

The Mother Load said...

I erased what I wanted to say. Just not happy with Oprah anymore. She's a very giving woman, but she has changed over the years.

scraphappymama said...

I didn't see the episode, but am sure I would not have been happy at the end. I have pretty much stopped watching Oprah too, for the same reasons as others: her views do not parallel mine. I don't mind her informative shows, or the ones that highlight the good others are doing, but as a whole I can do without the Oprah show.

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