Hey, what is going on here?

Poor Sasha. I think she expected her first taste of cereal and applesauce to be much more thrilling. She's almost 7 months old now. The time has crept up on me. How can this be happening? When she has the ability to stop time, with her first smile, her first roll, her first time sitting up? Who is this toe mouthing, "da-da" repeating, chubby legged, dough-y knuckled doll looking up at me?

Really wasn't that taken just yesterday?

I hope I never forget the way she imitates my mouth moving or my eyes blinking. I hope I'll always be able to picture her with her whole fist in her mouth. I hope the memory of my nose against the back of her downy, scrunchy neck never fades away. Nor the sweet, sweet smell of her soft, perfectly round head.

I have already packed away some of her things... so tiny and perfect.

Sigh.

And I know that before long she will be running away from me, giggling and needing me less. Yes, the very same screaming, colicky, wonder-eyed, toothless, bundled child from yesterday.

To quote Anna Quindlen, "I want to throw the lariat of my love and my arms around her and say: Stay still."

Today I am grateful for...

a beautiful baby to bless
family and friends to share special moments with
creative outlets
rain and lush trees
healthy, happy children
a good night's sleep

~and~

chocolate (you never know how much you appreciate something until it's gone)

Can I get a woohoo?

I've posted 100 entries! Yeah!!! And, AND, Blogger is letting me post pictures! WOO HOO!

Okay, so my recent project has been baby announcements and I wanted to share... there are two kinds of paper because I couldn't find enough of just one print. It was fun to mix it up anyway!

That second picture won't rotate for some silly reason. And the coordinating paper inside of the second version is the darker pink you see with lighter pink polka dots. (Not shown because I'm not going to display all the personal info included.)

Too bad it's not Tip Tuesday, because I think I have one to put an end to sibling squabbles. First thing this morning I had a serious talk with my children. I told them "Mommy has a goal today, and that goal is not to yell. I want you two to make a goal as well... I want you not to yell or fight or hurt one another. Do you think we can work together to accomplish that?" Then I read my scriptures and told them that we cannot be happy when we are not good (Mosiah 2:41). Result: Today has been SUCH a good day. We've had lots of reminders, but what a difference I see! I don't know if summer boredom had set in, or if the anxiety of school beginning in 2 weeks was getting to them, but our days were getting pretty crazy with whining and bickering (that includes me, lol). No matter how much fun I planned or structure I implemented, we were all loose cannons. I like the feeling that we are all going to sprint through the next 2 weeks together with a good "goal" in mind. I'm thinking of getting all cutesy and making a chart. Thinking. ;)

I got tagged by The Mother Load to do a "baby meme" for Sasha.

3 things that scare me:

~the occasional bonk on the head or shriek from excited siblings
~Daddy's sudden and very loud sneezes
~when I'm not laid down ever so carefully (I have a strong startle reflex)

3 people that make me laugh:

~so far, Mommy is the only lucky one who gets smiles (bright and early in the morn)

3 things I love:

~being held
~being fed
~being sung to

3 things I hate:

~my swing
~being naked
~getting my diaper changed

3 things I don't understand:

~baths: sure I get lots of love when all is said and done, but what's with all the head sniffing?
~being set down: all is well, I am very comfy on my Mommy's chest, and then she goes and just PLOPS me down to tend to some other child's needs, or for Pete's sake, to go to the bathroom!
~changing clothes: what's the big deal? I get it, baby girl clothes are cute, but I'd rather stay warm in what I've got on than be undressed and redressed.

3 things on my floor:

~a playmat
~floor pillows for reading and cuddling
~a lavendar rug from the Land of Nod that Mommy just loves :)

3 things I'm doing right now:

~staring at my hands
~making facial expressions
~learning how to get what I want :)

3 ways to describe my personality:

~pensive
~sweet
~easy to please

3 things you should listen to:

~Mommy serenade me on her violin and viola
~lots of lullabies
~lots of stories

3 things you should never listen to:

~the banging and clamoring that my siblings call playing
~Daddy's CDs
~"Just a minute, Sasha" when Mommy can't get to me RIGHT AWAY

3 things I want to do before I die (in other words three things my mom wishes for me):

~feel the love that is all around me
~learn discipline
~give generously

3 absolute fave foods:

~Mama's milk
~Mama's milk
~Mama's milk!

3 things I'd like to learn:

~how to talk, man do I have a lot to say!
~how to turn down the volume around me :)
~how to grasp those dangly things in my bouncy seat

3 shows I watch:

We're not there yet!

3 babies I tag:

~London @ Mayhem in Mexico
~Mini Man @ Here Today... Probably Tomorrow Too
~Camden @ Teacher, Mom, Mad Woman

A day in the life of...

... a crazy, busy mom of four:

8:00 am - scenario A) wake up panicked to hear your 2 little boys downstairs in the pantry, probably having a food fight; your 7 yr. old daughter (aka " big helper") is obliviously watching something totally worthless on Nickelodeon. scenario B) boys are still asleep and I can warm up to the day before diving in

8:15 am diapers changed - check, breakfast served - check, turn attention to baby

8:45 am - baby fed, me? not so much, place baby in swing, pray she falls asleep again, and rush upstairs to throw on some clothes

9:00 am - clean up remains of breakfast and kitchen; dress everyone, make beds together

9:30 am - decide how to spend my morning with the elder siblings. Options: play in backyard (swingset), play in front yard (bikes, scooters), blow bubbles, set up sprinkler, fill pool, go for a walk, bake cookies

10:45 am - 11 am - wind down aforementioned activity, wrangle kids in for a snack, pop in an Einstein video for Drew, change diapers and feed baby again

11:30 am - cuddle with baby for a bit before lunch craze

11:45 am - put baby in bouncy seat or sling, lunchtime!

12:15 pm - lunch over, clean up time! (This may extend into other areas of the house... whatever you can get done in about 45 minutes, or as long as your toddler will continue to nibble/play in high chair)

1:00 pm - if baby isn't settled down for another snooze, place back in swing; or, let kids take turns holding her before naptime (for Drew, almost 2)

1:30 pm - ah, naptime: change diapers again (obviously this happens frequently between the 2 "babies"... in fact, sometimes Sasha goes through 2 or more in one sitting!), read story or sing song first, go in bedroom multiple times over the next 30 minutes to put Drew back in bed, make mental note that he is too young probably to be in a big boy bed as he gets out frequently and destroys bedroom; hop on computer for a bit to check email, blog and message boards at warp speed

2:00ish pm - change and feed baby :) preferrably in front of TLC upstairs in bedroom, pending older two children's temperament to be left alone downstairs for 30 minutes. PBS sometimes works.

2:30 pm - serious naptime for baby in cradle in bedroom. This gives me a couple hours to fold or do a load of laundry, remind kids to be quiet, tidy up the house, work on a project, remind kids to be quiet, rest, pull out viola/violin, remind kids to be quiet, pop on computer again in effort to ignor loud disobedient children and calm dry, frazzled nerves, and of course fetch umpteen million snacks for 2 suddenly ferocious apetites! They usually need another activity in here somewhere too: painting, computer game, reading, coloring, playdough, water tray, popcorn/movie time...

4:30 pm - wake toddler or release him from his holding cage, change diaper, survey damage in bedroom, play the "clean up game", feed him a snack, think about dinner

5:00/5:30 pm - bewitching hour: wake baby and change and feed her, then start making dinner (usually with baby in sling as she has an internal sensor that tells her "Everyone is going to want Mommy for something over the next couple of hours and I am going to make sure I am first on the list.")

6:15-6:30 pm - eat dinner and pray that Daddy will walk in the door very soon :)

7:00 pm - wind down with fussy baby in a comfy chair while Daddy cleans up dinner (read: collapse).

7:30 pm - Bathe 3 (sometimes 4) little piggies. Tickle, read stories, get drinks of water, say goodnight - a thousand times.

8-8:30 pm - Official bedtime. Feed and change baby. Daddy snuggles her while I take my shower. I lay her down to sleep and spend 30 mintes or so talking with my hubby over ice cream or some other delectable treat. Then I hit the sack.

1ish am - baby wakes. Change and feed her.

4:30-5:00ish am - baby wakes. Change and feed her. Pray she'll be down for the count; if not pass her off to Daddy to settle down before he gets ready for work.

Somewhere in there at no specific times I tend to bickering, disasters, and hurt feelings or bodies, pray a lot, fulfill requests for hugs and kisses, answer the phone/door, pee and eat something. If I'm lucky, I'll even crack open my scriptures a half dozen times or so while breastfeeding to try and refill my spiritual cup and my patience reserves.

Does this all sound vaguely familiar to anyone? ;) I think if there were a boss involved, I'd get employee of the year for sure.

I'd forgotten...

... how much I love:

the smell of a newborn baby's head
and their soft, scrunchy necks
the way my lips fit perfectly in the bridge of their nose
wide eyes at 1 in the morning
and bobbing little heads when put to my shoulder
teeny, tiny hands wrapped tightly around my fingers
floppy sleeping positions
the way every picture of a newborn turns out perfectly
grunts and squeaks and grimmaces
and the most adorable little sneezes
sleepy smiles, gas or no gas :)
melting like butter when placed chest to chest
and the immediate calming effect of holding baby in your arms
the excuse to just sit and cuddle and stare and think deep thoughts

Ain't she sweet?

Shall we nickname her Liberty?

Well here it finally is... the tale of Sasha Evalani's arrival. I know it has taken me *some* time to write this. Unfortunately, the day after bringing her home we were back in the NICU for jaundice. That was not a fun experience, but it is behind us and she is doing fine now. Thank you for all the warm comments and well wishes!!!

On July 3, 2006 I woke up feeling a little bit of pressure and back pain associated with my contractions (which had been going on for some time). I took it easy throughout the morning - getting in and out of the bathtub, lying down, drinking plenty of fluids… just trying to decipher this from any other day. I called my doula Laura and discussed my symptoms with her and she felt like I should go into the hospital and at least get checked. After lots of thought and prayer, Andrew and I decided she was right… we just didn’t want to have another false alarm disappoint us. Getting out the door proved to be a challenge in and of itself. There was an entire bottle of juice spilled on the kitchen floor, lots of anxiety from the kids who were excited to have a “sleepover “, and a napless Drew to contend with. I actually sat down on the sofa at one point and said, “I refuse to have the baby under these conditions. Today is NOT the day!” I was fully convinced that I could talk my body out of labor. After all, I’d been doing it for months!

We got to the hospital around 4:30pm. At my OB appointment on Friday I had been 1-2cm dilated, 80% effaced and Sasha was quite low already… below 0 station. But my cervix was still posterior. Upon arrival at the hospital, I was 4 cm and 90% effaced, plus my cervix had moved forward, which had brought baby back up a bit but was really of no concern since that stubborn cervix had finally done its job! They called me “in active labor”, but my body really wasn’t doing it yet. I didn’t feel in sync at all and figured it would be as it was with Drew… that I would walk around at 4cm for a couple weeks. Disappointed, Andrew and I decided that rather than sit in the hospital infinitely waiting for something to happen, like being talked into getting labor augmented, we’d go home. The nurse strongly suggested we walk the halls for an hour first and see if there was any change. We knew there wouldn’t be (or that it would be minimal, if anything) but we agreed. Laura was with us and helped me through the few contractions I was having here and there… they were getting stronger and closer together, but I still was not convinced! It really did not feel as if my body had completely agreed to go into labor yet. After walking the halls for an hour I got checked again and was closer to 5cm dilated. By now it was after 6pm and I was hungry and uncomfortable in the tiny triage room. They wanted to monitor the baby for 20 minutes, during which time I had 3 contractions that required me to focus. During my last one, the OB on call came in and said she wished me the best, all the time watching this huge contraction peak on the monitor. I did my best not to show my discomfort. As if she believed that I wasn’t really feeling it! At this point I really didn’t know that I wasn’t in labor. In fact I was pretty sure things were “syncing up” now. But I knew I’d be miserable if I didn’t get somewhere more comfortable before active labor really began, and get some food in my system. So, with Laura’s full agreeance, we decided to go get ourselves some dinner and just see what happened at home on the birth ball and in the bathtub. The children were already taken care of and our friends were more than happy to keep them while we waited to see what my body would do. I signed an AMA (“Against Medical Advice“) to get out of the hospital. Once in the car, contractions came much, much closer together… almost on top of each other. They were getting painful, too. It just didn’t feel right to me, though. They seemed too close and too sudden, so we continued on our way home, stopping to pick up some dinner first. I knew I needed to wait for the contractions to space out and get even stronger before I’d be in active labor, so I was feeling calm and collected. I practiced breathing through each one, focusing on relaxing my entire body and letting nature take it course. I took bites of my burrito between the contractions on my birth ball at home. Andrew was watching wrestling on TV. After eating I decided to get in the bathtub for about 30 minutes, which felt great! I was almost wishing I’d decided on a water birth at that point, it was just so relaxing and comforting. I‘d been taking baths for a couple weeks to calm my prodromal contractions. The fact that they stayed strong this time told me something. Plus, it was at this point that they spaced out to an even 3 minutes. So, I could clearly see how many women preferred birthing in water.

As things got stronger and more organized, I knew without a doubt that this was it and that we needed to head back to the hospital. Only 2 hours had passed since leaving the hospital when we returned to it. It was now 9:15pm. I was admitted immediately and had reached 6cm. From this point, I had to get into a zone, find a voice for my contractions, move from the ball to the edge of the bed to my side once transition hit. I began to shake and Andrew rubbed my legs. Either Laura or Andrew was constantly fanning my face. The music we had compiled was very helpful in keeping me calm and relaxed. Laura read affirmations to me that gave me some relaxing imagery. As transition came to an end Andrew and Laura took turns providing counter pressure to my back as Sasha moved down the birth canal. It was then that I reached a point where I truly did not think I could handle the surges. I just couldn’t get on top of them anymore… the pain was definitely no longer under my control with any breathing or thoughts or music. Laura got to thinking that shaking + nausea + doubt probably meant I was close to complete (10 cm) so she suggested I get checked. I wasn’t sure if I wanted any disturbance at that point, but was anxious to see how far I’d come. This was my first check since being admitted. Lo and behold, the nurse proclaimed me complete! It was midnight and I could push as soon as I felt the urge. I was in shock, but also feeling very reassured. I had made it all the way to 10 cm before questioning myself. I knew now that Sasha was just minutes away, if only I could find my momentum to push her out. I said a few times “How am I going to do this?“ I guess I was a bit scared. My nurse Darlene said, “You ARE doing it!“ I just couldn’t believe it was happening, that this challenge was almost mine.

My body was not quite telling me what I needed to do yet, so I used a few contractions to experiment with pushing positions. I ended up being the most comfortable with a squatting bar over the bed (which I sat on the very edge of) and with Andrew behind me supporting and continuing to rub my lower back. And he had to do so quite vigorously. I also had to lean back into him just to keep from jumping out of that bed in utter pain. But leaning back quickly proved to be counteractive to pushing, which my body was really beginning to want to do, so I had to lean into my contractions, going against my instincts. This did not feel right for a few more contractions, but I finally got in tune and found my momentum, and pushing was a relief ! At that point something else took over completely. I could feel Sasha’s head with my own hand as I pushed. I felt totally in tune with her now and with bringing her into the world. The room was very quiet. The nurses were incredibly respectful. I hardly knew there was anyone there but me, Andrew and Laura… but there were also 3 nurses and the OB on call, Dr. Southmayde. They trusted me completely to know what to do and let me find my way through it all. I did nothing conventionally… I breathed through each contraction. There was no counting to 10. I just pushed when I felt the urge and for as long as I wanted and as many times during he contractions as I wanted. They did not quiet me or correct me at all.

I began to chant “I” while Laura said “I can do this!” for me. Andrew was getting emotional behind me I could tell. Iz was singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World” as Sasha emerged. I don’t believe it was coincidence that this was also a song that I deeply associated with my late mother. It was comforting to hear that song again at this very moment and I felt some part of Mom was there watching me give birth to her granddaughter. And then came Gladys singing “I Am a Child of God”. Talk about perfect timing.

First the head. Immediate relief and rush of endorphins. Then my water finally broke. And the shoulders and the rest of her quickly followed. July 4th, 12:38am, 8 lbs. 12oz. and 21 inches long. I was overjoyed and emotional and feeling as if I were on top of Mt. Everest. She was perfect in every way, with lots of black hair and big brown eyes. Long, graceful fingers. She came out loud, ravenous and ready to eat! Latched on right away. Everything felt surreal for quite some time. As we called to deliver the wonderful news to our friends and family, I was feeling high and elated in a way I’d never experienced after birth. I had done it. My body had gone into labor on its own. I had experienced it in one fell swoop, from beginning to end, without stops and starts spread out over weeks. Without augmentation or artificial rupture of membranes or an epesiotomy. Without an epidural! And WITH a team of incredibly supportive and respectful medical professionals. It was the most amazing and strengthening experience for both Andrew and I and we knew instantly why we’d been compelled to go the route we did.

I will share a picture as soon as Blogger lets me!

A close-up

Here are some close-ups of the nearly complete nursery:




Here is a close-up of my ballooning ankle (Sasha dropped yesterday preventing nearly all lower body circulation):

And here is a close-up of the newly texturized pixie bangs:

My smile wasn't working very well today, so I cut it out of the picture, lol.

I am not sure I will be pregnant much longer. All bets are that she will be here in the next few days! By then I am sure my smile will be working and I will have happy, happy pictures to share. :)